AN IMMODERATE PROPOSAL

A nice man is a man of nasty ideas. Swift

Ed. Note: Pistrina publishes 24 hours earlier this week owing to the U.S. Memorial Day holiday.

It was so very nice not to plague us all with the promised proposal to “find a way to make up for the [$30,000] shortfall.” Still, it was naughty to tease us. In fact, so piqued has been our curiosity that we determined to make a wild guess at what the proposal could have been. (Regrettably, there’s no Rumpelstiltskin to spin gold; the only spinning going on was the rector’s lame assessment that “[t]here is no lack of enthusiasm or generosity on the part of our supporters.” Accordingly, we assumed the issue was still germane and hence a worthy exercise for our imagination.)

The Readers (who associate with a better class of folk than the bleary-eyed, open-mouthed, fly-catching SGG cultists) asked a nice certified financial planner (CFP) and a nicer CPA for a “what-if” analysis on how they would raise cash if supplementary funds had dried up. We briefed them how the cult’s chapels broke up as a result of the infamous SGG School scandal and firings. We detailed how, instead of remaining prudently neutral, the foolhardy rector openly supported Tony, “One Hand” Dan, and the school “principal,” the proximate cause of the catastrophe. We showed them the correspondence where several very able laymen gave the rector an embarrassing public spanking and sent him swampward with his tail between his legs; we also shared all the schnorrer’s appeals for parking lots, interior decoration, and costly re-builds. Finally, we explained that “One-Hand” and Tony have complete, unsupervised control over the assets and real property of their cult.

“It’s simple,” declared our advisors without hesitation. “Monetize the principal assets! The economy notwithstanding, the buildings and the land on which they stand have some value. If they’re paid off, then use them as collateral for a loan. If they’re not paid off, refinance to free up some equity. For crying out loud – it’s only 30 grand. That’s only 7-10 G’s per chapel each year. Even slum property can yield that easily.”

“If the people want to continue attending Mass in their area, then they’ll have to pitch in to pay off the debt,” interposed the CPA. “Think of it as a kind of reverse mortgage.”

“Yeah,” added the CFP nicely, “It’s either pay and stay or leave and grieve. It’s really the perfect squeeze. And since this guy’s buddies are in charge of everything without an ounce of oversight, the people will have no other choice. Besides, you said these rubes were really gullible. They probably wouldn’t question anything.”

‘You see,” the accountant nastily analyzed, “if the clients aren’t willing to support the seminary, then, if you want to keep it operating, you’ll have to get their money some other way. Now if you take on additional building debt, you can support the seminary with the loan proceeds. That means you can almost silently compel the people to contribute indirectly by making them pay back the loan on property they’ve already paid for.”

“It’s the only way,” interjected his colleague, clearly impressed with his colleague’s financial nicety. “If you can’t widen the donor pool, then there’s no other option but to deepen it or at least drain it dry. From what you’ve said, there’s nowhere else to raise the cash. The folks have to pay whether they like it or not.”

Not very nice at all, but it does seem to make perfect sense, in a cold, diabolical, nasty way. But undoubtedly, it couldn’t be the proposal. Absolutely, categorically out of the question! No Catholic would even think of such a caper, let alone propose it. For one thing, it would violate every moral precept in the book. Why, not even a Wall-Street banker would dream of it! Besides, the Butler-County cult masters wouldn’t go for the idea, not with vacation around the corner. It’s about time to hit the Santa Fe Trail again, pilgrim.

It’s obvious that the lion’s share of the $30K would have to come from the straitened SW Ohio cult center and its impoverished satellite missions. Furthermore, as everyone knows, the Our Lady of the Sun lay board in Arizona wouldn’t be receptive at all to a nasty back-door raid on its fat holdings. Maybe the rector, completely out of ideas, in the end couldn’t come up with a nice proposal. Maybe he’s going to let everyone

STARVE THE BEAST & CLOSE THE PESTHOUSE.

PROMISES, PROMISES

Boldness is an ill keeper of promise. Bacon

It’s all very disappointing. In fact, we’re devastated. Since his April newsletter, we’ve been waiting for the rector’s promised, bold proposal for raising a monstrous $30,000 per year to keep the rat’s nest pesthouse breeding and the interior decorators employed. We thought it would come on Saturday. All we received instead was an advance copy of “One-Hand” Dan’s retrospective weather report from Butler County.

The Rector of Injustice just doesn’t seem to understand that Pistrina was counting on him to deliver. We were hoping for some comic relief after investigating all the foiled pranks the Ohio cult has been playing. (We’ll be exposing those antics later. You'll love it!) We know the rector’s worried about the spotlight, too, but a man’s word is his word, right? He promised — in writing — to propose a way to make up for the calamitous drying up of supplementary donations, and we want to see it. (We bet the building-code enforcers down there also want to see it: their bureaucratic patience has been worn thin enough.)

We can’t believe it’s already May 22, and we’ve heard not one rodentian squeak or shriek, not a single chirrup, not even a faint squeak-churr (although we’ve heard that Pistrina has incited quite a lot of bruxing down in Swampland.) Is the rector worried about rejection? Have “One Hand” and Tony told him to take a flying belly-roll? Or maybe he dismissed all his plague-house vermin early and no one's left to stuff envelopes. But adverse Anthony was supposedly down in the swamp, so why couldn’t he have helped?

We’re quite out of sorts with this teasing. Has the rector any idea of the many emails we’ve received from inquiring minds? They want to know how he plans to get blood out of the cult’s turnips. Will he offer an imaginative and creative fund raising plan – like enlisting Rumpelstiltskin and vowing someone’s first-born male child? No…the culties are turnips, not princes. (Hideous gnomes are definitely selective when it comes to first-born.) Perhaps he’ll set up tollbooths at the entrances of the cult’s chapels. No…the kiosks won’t be erected and electrically wired according to the building code: therefore, they won’t pass inspection. How about some hell-and-brimstone, damn-all-the-cheapskate-laity, fork-it-over-or-be-pitch-forked sermons? No…been there, done that.

Well, we’ll just have to wait and see. The suspense is unbearable. But wait! There’s still more than a week left in May for the bold and brazen rector to keep his big ($30k-big) promise. In the meantime, don’t forget to do your part in helping to close down the MHT pesthouse:

KEEP STARVING THE BEAST

NO SADNESS OF FAREWELL

No evil can happen to a good man. Plato

This day, the Reverend Father Bernard G. J. Hall, M.A., reluctantly but voluntarily flies to England. The grim details that led to his departure are available here. No one will be surprised to find the name of Anthony Cekada figuring prominently in this ugly narrative of shabby betrayal and spiteful vengeance.

Father Hall is everything that Tony, "One-Hand Dan," and the rector are not. First, he holds an advanced degree from St. Andrew's in Edinburgh, i.e., a genuine institution of higher education (and a world famous one at that). Second, he is a truly accomplished linguist, who really speaks French fluently, actually knows Latin grammar, and has seriously studied German, Italian, Russian, and Arabic, among other languages. Third, he is utterly without guile: he believes wholeheartedly that the clergy must be faithful stewards of the laity's offerings. Fourth, he is a stranger to luxury and self-promotion. Moreover, in spite of his exceptional natural gifts and admirable accomplishments (e.g., see his glorious website http://www.breviary.net/), he is the humblest of men, enduring with patient forbearance the vanity and condescension of puffed-up priests and petty prelates, who are his moral and intellectual inferiors by several orders of magnitude.

While on this Sunday Giudecca, hell's bosom, may screak and roar with demoniacal applause at Father's leaving, heaven will one day soon turn the triumph of the wicked into a bitter, lasting defeat. The cause for Father Hall's return to the United States now lies under the patronage of the Infant Jesus of Prague. Therefore, the Readers, along with the faithful in SW Ohio, are confident of his return within a few months.

Meanwhile, Father journeys to the land of his birth with the purpose of reviving the English Mission so wretchedly served by a pesthouse completer. Be assured, however, that Father's return to the U.S. will not leave our English brethren without the Mass. Already plans are being completed to continue staffing the mission after Father rejoins the American traditional Catholic community.

WE BEG YOUR PRAYERS FOR FATHER HALL'S SAFETY AND HIS SWIFT RETURN...AND, YES, REMEMBER, AS ALWAYS, TO...

STARVE THE BEAST -- DON'T SPARE THE RECTOR A DIME

MAILBAG #4

Ed. Note: While we wait (holding onto our wallets for dear life) for Rector Sanborn to come down from on high with his proposal to make up for his annual $30,000 shortfall, here’s one of several emails we’ve received from bright young men who decided not to enroll in the MHT pesthouse.

Hi, Readers,

I’m 22 and about to graduate in humanities from a respected (Novus Ordo) Catholic liberal arts college in [the South]. I always loved the old Mass. All through school I dreamed of studying in a traditional seminary after I got my B.A.

My father passed last year and left me with enough money to pay tuition for 7 years. (This was in addition to my share of the estate.) He also made a provision for a substantial gift to any seminary program upon my ordination as a priest.

I see that MHT is now completely out of the question though I thought it could have been a possibility. You see, Florida is not far from where we live. I don’t want to go to the CMRI because I hear the standards are too low. Can you give me some advice? Please don’t reveal my name. I’m afraid the “pesthouse” might come scratching at my door looking for its Tailypo, like the monster in the old Southern folktale.

The Reader replies: Our mouth is hushed! We can see the loss of a cash-paying legatee plus a nice completion bonus would have the vermin running in search of their Entail-y Po faster than a scalded dog – especially now that the rector wants $30K a year to keep the pesthouse incubating.

As for a seminary possibility, we’ve sent you by e-mail our recommendations, with both pro’s and con’s. You didn’t say anything about the SSPX, so we included their institution in case you might be interested. Note that the SSPX has plans to build a new seminary in scenic Charlottesville, VA – almost in your backyard. From our point of view, the SSPX is closest to the real thing, although some traditional Catholics would have grave problems in attending. Two sedevacantist seminaries on our list are located abroad. If you’re interested, we’d be glad to help with advice on how to learn a foreign language quickly. Several other correspondents are considering enrollment in these seminaries. What’s important for everyone to know is that MHT is not the only option. In fact, it should never be a consideration.

Oh, yes, and, everyone, please don’t forget...

STARVE THE BEAST – SEND THE BUM PACKING WHEN HE COMES AROUND A-BEGGIN'