Holiday Cards (3)

Ed. Note: While staff continues on Christmas vacation, Pistrina posts another interesting insight from one of its followers:

Dear Pistrina,

Has anyone ever investigated whether the Thuc line may be invalid through Carmona but valid through des Lauriers? I once read Carmona's very lame response to criticisms about the validity of his orders, and I wonder if he was such a simpleton that he didn't pay attention to the proper rite etc. Everyone knows that Thuc was at times erratic early on in conferring orders.

Des Lauriers was a great theologian, so there's no doubt he would have insisted upon the correct edition of the Roman Pontifical and the correct rite. Carmona did not have had the education and understanding required to demand the correct book and ritual,

That might explain the problems with those so-called Traddie bishops whose Thuc lineage came through Carmona. I haven't been able to find any documentation about Carmona's "consecration" regarding the Ponitifal used or the rite employed. I'd really appreciate some solid investigation here.

Ed. Note: Sounds like a worthy research project! Is anybody out there game for it? It might account for a lot of the bad behavior in Traddieland U.S.A.

Happy New Year, and be sure you keep your money to yourself. As ever...

STARVE THE BEAST!

HOLIDAY CARDS (2)

Ed. Note: During the Readers' vacations, Pistrina continues with its selection of e-mail messages. This one certainly deadens any cheerful wishes we might have for the holidays. We've seen the same program, and we understand why our correspondent is concerned. If the prediction comes to pass, then at least we'll have the consolation that the Terrible Trio and all its unpleasant associates will be out of the picture.

Readers,

Something conservative, almost orthodox definitely is afoot in the Conciliar Church, and it's much more than the new retro translation of the Mass. As you posted [see the the article titled BUST, Ed. ], this new element threatens to wipe away for good the feuding, money hungry, control freaks of the traditional movement. Only the Kool Aid addicts will be left, and everyone knows they're so marginal economically that they can't support their masters.

I just watched the PBS series "Catholicism" and I'm still in shock. The language and tone may be contemporary, but the content is right out of the pre-Vatican II past. If these conservatives of New Church get their ducks in order on the liturgical front, then we should expect to see a mass exodus (pardon the pun) from the likes of the Dolan, Pivarunas, Sanborn, Kelly cults and even the SSPX.

I predict that Catholics, sick and tired of the suicidal traddie self-immolations and palace revolts, will start to think that if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it IS a duck. If that happens, it's over for the sedes. I'm halfway ready to agree myself.

HOLIDAY CARDS (1)

Ed. Note: While our Readers are on their Christmas break, Pistrina thought you might enjoy some of the correspondence we have received. Even at this time of the year, we will not stop reminding everyone of the Terrible Trio's bizarre circus act. Be sure you starve the beast this season. Keep your wallets closed!

Dear Pistrina,

I am new to the site, so I read through all the posts critiquing Anthony Cekada's Work of Human Hands. I also managed to borrow a copy. Let me first say, that you Readers have done a thorough job of exposing that sham piece of pseudo-scholarship. Let me add, that I am in a unique position to add to your condemnation.

My academic speciality is pragmatics (language usage) and, in particular, discourse analysis. Your detailed post mortem of Cekada's book ably demonstrated his ill preparedness and absence of mastery of fundamentals. For my part, I decided to test whether the distribution of such elements as syntax, vocabulary, sentence structure, etc. also suggested that as a writer he falls outside the normative context of scholarly prose.

I compared sample passages from Work of Human Hands to randomly selected passages from 20 recent works by recognized scholars in the humanities. The result was conclusive. Without boring you with all the methodology, the study showed that, statistically speaking, Cekada as a user of written language does not fall within the expected norms for American scholarly discourse. My model indicates that his register is that of, say, an average college junior, or perhaps a sophomore.

As you have said, Work of Human Hands can by no means pose as a work of scholarship. Perhaps if I have the leisure time, I will write up my findings for future publication.

REMINDER

Some books are undeservedly forgotten; none are undeservedly remembered. Auden

The Blunderer and "One Hand" Dan have been trying of late to pump of sales of that doomed, unscholarly volume, Work of Human Hands. "One Hand" has stooped so low as to hype it in a recent sermon on the necessity of Latin. As the gift-giving season goes into full swing, perhaps this is the time to remind everyone of the many failures of that rag -- failures that reflect the failed legacy of the Terrible Trio, whose pride, arrogance, and overreaching will be forgotten soon enough, as are all human vanities. All their works are best consigned to oblivion.

Just as there are seven deadly sins that we should avoid, here are seven reasons for not wasting your money on such an empty and self-serving product of amateur authorship and publishing:

The academic shortcomings of Anthony Cekada’s Work of Human Hands are legion. First, there is virtually no notion of systematic composition, for sentences are not developed into coherent, unified and structured paragraphs. Second, the author’s diction is not academic but characterized by American regional slang and colloquialisms. Third, the self-taught author commits numerous errors of translation, transcription, and citation from Latin. Fourth, the author, in several cases, has failed to attribute the source of translations. Fifth, the text is littered with non-standard English and unconventional usage. Sixth, typographical errors and misspellings abound. Seventh, the book contains factual errors, as even one favorable reviewer pointed out.

We could continue, but we will not tax your patience. Suffice it to say that Work of Human Hands is at best a mere pantomime of scholarship. For a complete post-mortem of this stillborn insult to the world of genuine learning, start with this post on Pistrina Liturgica and continue reading.

M-M-MAKING THE WORLD SAFE FOR HYPOCRISY

By thy shut soul's hypocrisy/...I call upon thee! and compel/Thyself to be thy proper Hell! Byron

The November MHT Newsletter finally slithered in. No mention of the big $30 K proposal. No reference to "taking over" Our Lady of the Sun. Those pipe dreams have vanished, we surmise. However, there was an overload of hypocrisy. In a peevish fit of self-righteousness, the rector declares, with a shameless absence of self-awareness:

...we have striven carefully over the years to observe faithfully the doctrine and practices of the Catholic Church, and to distance ourselves from others in the traditional movement who are sloppy in this regard. Because of the deprivation of authority in the present crisis, the sheep are without shepherds, and the door is open to all sorts of aberration and abuse. There are many traditional priests, for example, who are ordained without proper training...They arrive suddenly in the priesthood and function poorly, either because they are ignorant, or because they have never learned how to curb their vices and lead good spiritual lives. They have never been vetted by serious seminary training. Their ignorance often leads to very serious errors in dogmatic, moral, or pastoral theology.

How, then, does this square with the practice of his completers of the MHT pesthouse? As we have noted, one of his products could not perform a graveside burial service. (The same feckless fool also committed a major doctrinal error in his requiem sermon.) Another one (even worse trained, if that's possible) skipped the consecration at Mass. That absent-minded creature has also invented a number of new mortal sins and recently could not say the requisite number of Ave, Marias at the Leonine Prayers. Another one cannot bless holy water without being wracked by self-doubt and insecurity (and one of his baptisms is a horror story of incompetent practice: perhaps we'll tell it one day).

This is preserving the the Catholic faith?

Please. Gag us with a spoon!

This is sheer hypocrisy, and yet another instance of the failure of the rector and his dynamic-duo buddies from SW Ohio to create a legacy.

Being "home alone" is far better than being in the company of these theological ne'er do wells. They think they merely have to say they are Catholic for you to believe them, when their works make it plain that they are worse than the men they despise.

Reject them all out of hand -- and anyone who associates with them.

THANKSGIVING INTERLUDE

Ed. Note: Owing to the long Thanksgiving holiday weekend in the U.S., Pistrina prints an e-mail commentary on last week's post. Everyone, it seems, recognizes that those theological turkeys are just plain foul.

Dear Reader,

As a rule, I avoid SSPX Masses because of simple logic, not on that wild-eyed "una-cum" theory. In my book, either Razzi is pope or he isn't. Period! And if he is, then priests have to obey him. (I am a little more lenient with those independent chapels that are just affiliated with the SSPX, because those guys are on their own.)

I've always believed this ever since the early 1970's. It's just common sense. That's not been the case with Brooksville and Cincinnati "entrepreneurs." I remember when one of these "great" theologians was "Sede" in 1977, then pro-papa in 1980, then sede etc. I also remember when the other "theologian" blasted the Thuc lineage in 1983 and then became the great defender in 1990 when his buddy and paymaster wanted a miter. These jokers change their minds whenever it suits them.

Everyone should rely on their conscience and not the trio's opinion "du jour"... in all things!!

UNA-CCEPTABLE

'tis the eye of childhood/That fears a painted devil. Shakespeare

Side by side with the Trying Threesome's failure to produce any reasoned, substantive advancement to the theory of the Sede Vacante, their venal una-cum ghost story condemns them as theological adventurers. Even one of the MHT completers recognizes this fiction for what it is: a patent attempt to keep the faithful from taking their dollars to the SSPX. That's why he gave the green light a while back to some Catholic laity to assist at society Masses. Moreover, the terminally challenged CMRI, as marginalized as it is on the far fringes of Catholic thought and praxis, has enough sense to reject this ploy to scare the ignorant into submission.

No matter what these three self-interested characters argue, the plain fact remains that the Church has not pronounced on the matter. Accordingly, their strident assertions remain just private opinion -- and rather low-level private opinion inasmuch as these three can never be considered theologians.

No one need pay one ounce of attention to this wild theory hatched in the fetid imaginations of ecclesiastical entrepreneurs. The motive behind this amateurish démarche is clearly fear that the faithful will abandon them, their bad habits, and their troubled orders for the more attractive and relatively stable SSPX. What was scary was the prospect of exiting dollars.

Rather than make up boogeyman theories out of whole cloth, the Terrible Trio should focus on getting rid of their odious cultic trappings and attempt, even at this late hour, to make a genuine contribution to Traditional Catholicism, say, by way of the liturgy or pious practices. It's obvious they should abandon theology as a science outside their limited grasp and very minor abilities.

MORE FAILINGS TO MEASURE UP

To be still searching what we know not by what we know, still closing up truth to truth as we find it... this is the golden rule in theology. Milton

Our next instance of the Terrible Trio's failed legacy is in the theology of the Sede Vacante. On "One-Hand's" part, we have only his musings. Neither he nor the Blunderer has produced a credible, carefully reasoned argument for the absolute vacancy of the See of Peter. (How could they? It's not in their DNA.) It's all been just their anecdotal remarks, and you have to take them on their word! (Not likely, in view of the Blunderer's botched work in The Work of Human Hands). In the world of thinking Catholics, their position can never be taken seriously until a brighter light appear (not likely when you look at their young priests -- all pretty dim wits, just hoping for a handout).

Altough we admit that the rector has produced one admirably competent explanation in Scholastic form of the materialiter thesis in Soldalitium (see "The Material Papacy") --excepting, of course, his gross misspelling Vacantis Apostolica (read Apostolicæ) Sedis and his gauche references to "stench"-- he has yet to make a real advance in the theology of the Sede Vacante. In spite of his attempts to suggest a refined interpretation, he has really added nothing material to the Cassiciacum thesis.

All this is owing to the rector's dreadful formation. (That's why his Sodalitium article is so impressive. It's like viewing the performance of a ball-room dancing monkey: one always must ask, how did the trainer manage to pull off the stunt because it can't be real!)

In spite of all the nonsense coming out of "One-Hand," the rector (like the Blunderer) can never be considered a theologian in the classic Catholic sense. He's never studied at a pontifical university and possesses no advanced degree. He's never taught in a genuine university nor did he work under a real professor or genuine ecclesiastical superior (the archbishop might have been remotely close, but no cigar). Neither has he held a real professorship -- everything is self-declared. He's never co-authored an important work. Moreover, he's never been a department head in a recognized university nor has he authored a Latin theological manual or article (in fact, it's said that once a Frenchman severely censured a solo attempt).

In short, the Tiresome Trio really cannot claim to possess knowledge superior to that of many laymen (e.g., the learned and able John Lane of the Bellarmine Forum) or even parish priests. The Threesome had the time to acquire a sound knowledge, but they squandered it by their foolish in-fighting and connatural sloth.

BUST

We know what a person thinks not when he tells us what he thinks, but by his actions. Singer

Perhaps the liturgy is the most obvious example of the failed legacy of the Blunderer, "One-Hand," and the rector. Here we are not referring to the Blunderer's embarrassingly awful book, Work of Human Hands, an ugly patchwork of misspellings, mistranslations, factual errors, shoddy scholarship, dreadful prose, and appalling taste. As Pistrina has demonstrated, that self-published rag stands as a monument of incompetence and over-reaching. (If you are new to this blog, start here and read the posts through December 2010, and you'll see what we mean; for a general criticism, read the incisive review "The Autodidact of the Credence Table.")

What we mean is the Threesome's failure to produce and publish well-researched materials that would help traditional Catholics celebrate the Roman liturgy in their chapels. The Three's failed legacy stands in high relief when we look at the work done by the SPPX and motu chapels, now widely available on the web. These zealous, conservative Catholics have spent their time productively in preparing excellent (and beautifully formatted) ceremonial instructions and reprinting useful and preactical liturgical books (see, for example, the Romanitas Press). Such practical and holy efforts are noticeably absent from the oeuvre of the Three Clerical Stoooges. They're content just to brag that they're preserving the liturgy and really do nothing. And when they've left the scene, nothing will remain other than bitter memories of division, invective, and ineptitude.

It's important to note that most of the superb online resources for the liturgy are of comparatively recent origin, whereas, the Terrible Trio has not done much in the liturgical-printing apostolate in their 35+ years of operation. Instead of promoting the liturgy, they preferred to start trouble in areas well beyond their competence, such as the Blunderer's Schiavo mess and the rector's una-cum hobby horse. All they have done is to offer overproduced spectacles for their own cult followers. (N.B. very few of the cultists actually attend these elaborate theatrical events, where "One-hand," like an enormous toadstool, presides and pretends he's pope.)

However, there is no greater proof of their failure in the liturgy than the damning fact that one of their own priests, an ignoramus who completed MHT and worked several years for "One-Hand," forgot on at least one occasion the Consecration at Mass.

In sum, the contribution of these three has been writ on water. They are legends only in their own deluded minds. Look elsewhere for the future of the traditional movement. Reject them and their failed legacy.

A DREAM DEFERRED

A salesman is got to dream, boy. It comes with the territory. Miller

The October MHT Newletter blew in last week with all the other decaying débris of autumn. While silent about last spring's big $30-K plan and his highly anticipated take-over of Our Lady of the Sun, AZ, the rector does take us on a languid, somnolent trip down memory lane to the '50s, repeats the shopworn and recycled critique of Novus-Ordo impiety, speculates about the next SSPX-Rome démarche, and touches ever so lightly on the Restoration of the Church.

As we said, this is pretty much the same tired, old, dreamy fluff we've seen a thousand times. We would have ignored it all had the newsletter not arrived as we were beginning our series on the failed legacy of the Terrible Trio of the rector, the Blunderer, and "One-Hand Dan." Our thoughts about the Restoration are completely apropos of our new theme, and they make, we think, a nice introduction to the forthcoming series. After all, the rector is not the only one entitled to dream of what might be were the papacy and hierarchy to convert, renounce the heresies of the Vatican II establishment, and thereby effect the Catholic Restoration.

We'll keep it short and to the point.

If the Roman Catholic Church were restored, say, next week, one thing is for certain: Not a single wandering bishop of the Traddie movement would be called upon to serve in the restored episcopate. In fact, the restored Church would demand their resignations and suspend everyone of them a divinis. She would also demand the resignation of Traddie priests, too. After a lengthy investigation, perhaps some of the priests might be permitted to minister to the faithful after their orders had been regularized. However, not one of these episcopi vagantes would see a throne or a title or even the inside of a Church-sponsored retirement home.

Our reason for this bold assertion?

Well, although Vatican II certainly did away with the Catholic religion, it did not do away with the ethos and workings of the Curia Romana. The Church's bureaucracy is an ancient institution (the roots of which are found in classical antiquity). The Modernist revolution could not -- and did not wish to -- erase its habits of action, its subtle ways of handling difficult matters and even more difficult personalities. It has an institutional memory and rich documentary resources. Even a repentant and newly Catholic curia would realize that all these men have too much personal baggage. More critically, too much doubt surrounds their motives, their formation, their histories, and their orders to allow them to participate materially in the governance, instruction, and sanctification of the faithful.

That's why all that talk about preserving the faith, the liturgy, and Catholic culture is really just the stuff of disturbing pipe dreams. Even had they managed to preserve something (which they definitely have not done), the Restored Church would have no need for such meager accomplishments. She would have at her disposal the talents of genuinely educated men who are disciplinary experts in every field needed. Common sense, then, counsels, that there is simply no way on earth any of these characters would ever be given a role to play in a Restored Church.

For that reason, even if the signs were unmistakable that the Church had been restored, these wandering bishops would keep up their resistance until their last cult-follower stops making contributions.

NECROPTICAL ALLUSIONS

Ruinous inheritance (damnosa heriditas). Gaius

The medical examiner's report is in: the long-ailing organizations under the shaking thumbs of the rector, "One-Hand," and the Blunderer are, for practical purposes, defunct. All that remains is a post-mortem assessment of these failed clergy's non-existent legacy.

In the coming weeks through a series of posts, Pistrina will sharpen its scalpel to peel from the rotting corpse, one by one, the tissue of failure and expose it to public scrutiny. You will see how the Terrible Trio has, in fact, achieved nothing beyond wretched self-complacency. In the areas of liturgy, theology, the defense of Catholic faith and morals, Catholic intellectual life, propagation of the faith, Catholic education, and priestly formation, all their expensive and unfocused efforts have yielded nothing worthy of remembrance or imitation.

Now that the traditional world has seen the Threesome for the Great Pretenders that they are, whatever influence they might have wielded is now finally at an end. Traditionally minded Novus Ordites have made more useful and permanent contributions to liturgical praxis in the short time since the Motu Proprio than the Three Stooges have after more than three decades of trouble-making.

Therefore, before they disappear from the scene and our attention, in the last weeks of this liturgical year, the Readers will conduct an autopsy to bring to light their dismal record of non-performance.

HIDEY-HO

"I'll be back! I ALWAYS come back!" Chucky in Bride of Chucky

The Reader is loath to compound two disparate films into one allusion. It seems almost a kind of mixed metaphor. But this time it can't be helped. Insofar as both A Christmas Story and the many avatars of Child's Play are cult classics, it's apropos, we think, in this case.

In the September MHT Newsletter, the rector announced he was expecting the return of Scut the Prefect to the pesthouse. Now it wasn't so long ago that he bid our un-merry martinet adieu as the latter was heading off for a two-man monastery in France. But it looks like he'll soon be baaaaaack.

What happened? Why no explanation? Was the place too outré even for the sorry likes of punishment-happy Scut?

Apparently the rector wants Scut a.k.a. "Chucky the Chip-Off-the old Rector's Block-Head" to play and get the new seminarians in line. Leaving those poor man-children alone in peace is simply not in order. They'll need some rough humiliation with loads of punishment if they're ever to be fit to serve as obedient orderlies on the mop brigade. When Scut-Chucky gets his visa, those newbies will wish they were back home with mama. Just imagine: the crumbling halls of MHT will once again echo with high-pitched insults, squealing degradation, and falsetto screaming accusations of mortal! mortal! sin.

We're certain that "Chucky the Chip" will get "Squirmin' Herman" up to speed in dishing out unjust discipline. Only the Chuckster can wipe that goofy smile off that grinning, empty face! Oh, the time for a reckoning is hard upon those little babes who thought they had a chance in the swampland!

How long before the little ones will wish it was only make-believe?

ONE-HAND REDUX

The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook. Wm. James

Pistrina is surprised at how much e-mail traffic a comment under one of our articles about “One-Hand” Dan’s ordination has generated. Remarking about the post “‘Slight’ of Hand”, an earnest commenter admonished the Reader:

…so what if Dolan's priestly ordination was invalid? He was thereafter consecrated a bishop, thereby receiving the fullness of the priesthood. Consecration as a bishop automatically confers all of the powers of the lesser office of priest.

Pistrina's Readers replied that, according to research undertaken a few years ago, a valid priestly ordination was required for the reception of the episcopacy. However, we invited our correspondent to provide written support for his/her assertion. We also promised to publish anything the commenter found.

We aren't sure if our commenter was among the correspondents who wrote, but the Reader received quite a few e-mails both pro and con. Here’s a summary of the best:

Somewhat in favor of the commenter, one writer cited Tanquerey (the Latin moral theology author frequently used in pre-Vatican II U.S. seminaries).

…orders received by a leap are valid, except perhaps the episcopacy…some [theologians] contend that the episcopacy is not an order distinct from the priesthood, but only its complement, and therefore is not validly received unless the priesthood were received beforehand; others, however, hold that the episcopacy is a distinct order, in which the priestly order is eminently contained, and from ancient documents it is well known that sometimes this order was conferred while other orders were skipped (Synopsis Theologiae Moralis et Pastoralis, I. 1149 [b]).

A learned correspondent from abroad sent us a Spanish-language text by the Dominican Royo Marín. The eminent friar considers both positions and offers the following conclusion: the opinion “that requires previous priestly ordination for the validity of Episcopal consecration is very much more probable…” (Teología Moral para Seglares, 2. 412).

A third writer sent this citation from the Dominican Prümmer:

Is the espicopate validly received by one whose priesthood was invalid? The negative opinion seems preferable and is the one to be followed in practice (Handbook of Moral Theology,806.3).

The Dominican B.H. Merkelbach, another correspondent pointed out, refuses to hedge his opinion like others. The great moralist categorically concludes:

The episcopacy or the power of ordaining other priests cannot be conceived without the priesthood, but necessarily supposes and includes it, since no one can communicate to others a power that he does not have. And therefore, a bishop cannot be validly ordained who is not, or at least is not ordained at the same time, a priest (Summa Theologiae Moralis, III. 731.3).

We’re not here to settle the question of the validity of "One-Hand" Dan's orders. As we’ve said, the decision whether to seek a sacrament sub conditione is best left to the individual’s conscience. Our point is simply that no one should use the Blunderer’s unscholarly monograph to decide the question.

IT TOLLS FOR THEE

A tale told by an idiot. Shakespeare

Ed. Note: The September MHT newsletter arrived early last week. It's interesting how once the rector boasted about three new seminarians from France, but now he reports just one. And there's still no update on his "permanent arrangement" with Our Lady of the Sun. We warn the Michigan chapel to be on guard. Things are probably tough down in the swampland. You're looking like the last resort. Hold on to your wallets.

Speaking of the Michigan outpost, we can give our readers a juicy tidbit before they wade into the contents of this week's post (in which we must flog the rector for a grievous misspelling in his newsletter): Last week, the pastor -- you know... the simian-grinning Father "What Me Consecrate?" -- forgot (once again) to say the third Hail, Mary at the Leonine Prayers after Mass. (Isn't it time to give him a refresher course?)

The Readers know that pointing out the gross spelling errors of the Blunderer and the rector can be tedious for many people. Ordinarily, we would just chalk these embarrassments up to the inferior formation these men received and leave it at that. However, these clerics persist in representing themselves as the very best in Catholicism, and they are ever so quick to lambaste others as "country priests" -- or even worse -- for their mistakes. So turn about is always fair play here.

The rector, with his flair for belaboring the obvious, tells us:

We have have five seminarians left from last year, and have two new ones this year...All tolled, there will be seven...

Had he be given a real education, he would have written "all told." One of the meanings of 'to tell,' indeed the original Old English meaning, is to count, reckon up, mention numerically, calculate the total amount. That's why we call someone who counts votes or cash a "teller."

The howler is especially horrific for a Catholic, who should have had that meaning of "tell" in mind from the idiom "to tell one's beads," meaning to say the Rosary ( as in Paul Laurence Dunbar's line, "She told her beads with downcast eyes," or in the old Percy ballad, "It was a friar of orders gray/Walkt forth to tell his beads"). The ignorance is compounded in a priest, who should have known the sense from the Douay verson of Psalm 146.4: "Who telleth the number of the stars; and calleth them all by their names."

Educated folk know that 'to toll' means to exact as a toll (charge, tax) or to sound a (large) bell slowly at regular intervals or to attract, entice, allure (as in 'toll-bait' or 'toller'). But that's our point. It's the old story of the emperor's new clothes, isn't it? Apparently, the rector's been hanging around the Blunderer for too long: he's absorbed all those bad habits of language, which an inferior education did not remove.

As an aside, if you'd like a really humorous look at the boo-boo the rector shares with many others of the stubbornly careless classes, we suggest you read the Word Detective's fine note on this error. After you read the note, be sure to remember to

STARVE THE BEAST & KEEP YOUR MONEY AT HOME

NEWS UPDATE: TYING UP SOME LOOSE ENDS

We've just passed the autumnal equinox, so perhaps it's time to take a breather and catch up on some unfinished business:

1. There's been no MHT pesthouse newsletter so far for the month of September. That means, there's still no word about the rector's big $30 K proposal. Perhaps it's dead, so the cultists might be able to start saving for their children's Christmas presents.

2. With no newsletter, there's also been no word about any "permanent arrangement" with Our Lady of the Sun Chapel in Arizona. Let's hope, for the rich, little chapel's sake, that the rector is still simply a mere tenant with no immediate chance to grab the brass ring.

3. "One-Hand" Dan may be in France taking names and kicking Gallic derrière, but Pistrina has learned this week that only one of the three French seminarian candidates for the pesthouse has actually shown up in the swampland. The other two declined to attend. This is specular news, for it shows that the world is catching on to the problems with the cult.

SPECIAL POST: IN THE BURROWS OF THE NIGHTMARE

De vils despotes deviendraient/Les maîtres de nos destinées. Rouget de Lisle

Last Sunday la belle France awoke to a nightmare: “One-Hand” announced early in the morning that he’s on his way. Coyly, he claimed he would abandon his Ohio cult for three Sundays in order to help his client and protégé, but Pistrina knows that he’s headed to Chambéry.

“Demolition Dan” has gotten very small in the U.S. His influence is as slight as his diminutive, though corpulent, stature. He can’t threaten Americans any longer, not even his hypnotized, semi-literate cult followers. He must treat them very gently now, lest they all walk away in disgust and leave him, and his boss, "The Principal," penniless. That’s why he’s off to France: to show the French a good, old-fashioned American whip hand after they dared to seek their own priest when Dan’s collaborateur couldn’t serve them. Making the French submit as he swaggers before their downcast eyes (he must imagine) will restore his lost grandeur while destroying their sense of self-worth. Yes, three Sundays of triumphant, pip squeak bullying will be the tonic he needs before he must return to his cult and begin begging again for meager macaroni suppers and hand-me-down stoves. No matter what, the rector will be impressed! And the Blunderer, too.

As a rule, pride and piety are impossible companions. In this case, however, the Reader sees an exception. If they awaken, the faithful of Chambéry have the opportunity to assert their independence from a destructive foreign intruder and affirm that they are Catholics, not narrow-minded, divisive sectarians of the ghastly American variety, with their nightmarish cult of personality and hallucinatory insinuations. Moreover, now might be the perfect opportunity to repudiate once and for all “One-Hand’s” well-documented inclination for destroying chapels -- his lasting legacy to traditional Catholicism.

Pistrina wouldn’t presume to tell the French how to act. That’s why we haven’t appended a French translation. We have too much admiration for the French nation. We can say only how we would behave, were we proud and pious French men and women. The solution is really very simple. If the Readers believed they had been wronged by “One-Hand’s” unwanted intervention in a private matter, they would boycott all his Masses for the three Sundays during which he proposed to darken their door.

We would stay at home. Say the Rosary. Practice acts of perfect contrition. If we happened to see the Destroyer sashaying down the street wearing his trademark rigid and foolish grin, we would cross to the other side and bless ourselves for having avoided an ill-omened presence. We would not welcome him into our homes. We would not feed him. We would demand that he live in the tiny priest’s apartment or take lodgings in a luxury hotel at his cult’s expense. We would not give him money. (We might even summon the gendarmerie.)

Yes, he would become incensed, as all puffed-up, bruised egos do at well-merited slights. We would find strength in our proud resistance to an impiety. Even if he threatened to destroy our chapel, we would be resolute. We would show him that our self-respect could not be compromised. We would remember that we were free men and women, citizens of the guardian of high culture, in need of no lessons from an underclass, ill-educated, pretentious outsider, who is vilified in his country. We would send him packing. God will provide for us, since we remain true to our conscience.

If, as our punishment, "Demolition Dan" withdrew the services of his creature in France, we would beg our beloved, former priest to return to us.

The living nightmare would then end.