IMPEDIMENTS ABROAD

We are getting foreignized rapidly and with facility. Mark Twain

In addition to boding ill for Our Lady of the Sun Chapel, the rector’s July MHT Newsletter bade farewell to Scut the Prefect, who is off to France to join a two-man “monastery.” (Yes, we couldn't help laughing either.) One wonders how MHT will fare with his departure. True, he’s a bully and an incompetent teacher (once ending a course in theology about a month before the end of the term!), but he shouldered the lion’s share of the day-to-day disciplinary duties. Tony the Blunderer only shows up monthly. Moreover, the rector had molded Scut into the kind of punishment-happy sadist required to carry on MHT tradition. Perhaps for a few months, the twitching and cowering “seminarians” will enjoy a respite from humiliating verbal abuse and accusations of mortal sin before the rector succeeds in bringing out the inner Calvinist of Scut’s successor.

Scut may not remain abroad for long. Our sources inform us that the two "monks" at the “monastery” (a term we use for convenience, not as an accurate description) are a very odd lot, to say the least. If Scut couldn’t tolerate the high jinks of a few well-adjusted but overly exuberant young men, he’ll go ape in his new weirdo environment. If he doesn’t run home to mommy after a few months there, he’ll be back in the swampland with an even greater store of resentment and rancor to visit upon the seminarians.

France can also expect a visit from “One-Hand” Dan’s woebegone flunky, the Incredibly Dull Hulk. While Scut at least has some native intelligence and a smattering of education gained in his native land, this shambling American nobody has naught to recommend him except for the fact that he cannot think for himself. He’s the one who banished under threat of arrest some long-time members of the Milwaukee chapel just for asking about the SGG School scandal. Then, only a couple of weeks ago, the Hulk announced to the remaining faithful at the Wisconsin chapel that they had to pay his salary as “One-Hand’s” lackey in SW Ohio. Until “One-Hand” needed him to help out in the cult center, this gawky, monstrously slow underling was held in contempt by most of his fellow MHT completers. Moreover, “One-Hand” himself used to contrive to keep the Hulk out of sight. (The SGG cultists might want to ask Dumpy Dan whether SGG funds will pay for the Hulk’s airfare or whether “One-Hand” will use frequent-flyer miles. We think we already know the answer.)

At least now la belle France will be able to examine in vitro, as it were, two completely different but equally noisome, viral specimens from the pesthouse – the manic, anti-social Scut and the tongue-tied, panic-stricken Hulk. Let’s hope that one furtive glance from behind a sterilized curtain will be enough for the worried mothers of the French seminarians to recoil in horror at the kind of creature their sons will become if they complete MHT.

MOTHERS OF FRANCE: KEEP YOUR SONS HOME & CLOSE THE PESTHOUSE.