SIGNS OF THE BEAST, PART 1

And there fell a sore and grievous wound upon men, who had the character of the beast. The Apocalypse

Congratulations to you many Traddies who have resolved starve the beast in 2013. Whether you leave the cult center altogether or stay to throw out feral incumbents, you'll have to be on your guard against replacing them with clergy of the same character.

Accordingly, Pistrina is starting a new series to help you recognize the tell-tale signs of undesirable sede priests and chapels. Over the next several weeks, we'll reveal the distinguishing marks of vitandi clerical rent-seekers so that you can steer clear of anything icky that may come your way.

Let's start with the most obvious indicator: a morbid attachment to theatricality. Here are its seven hideous forms:

1. An unhealthy fixation with interior decoration;

2. A monomania for religious customs, liturgical, and paraliturgical practices scarcely heard of by a majority of American Catholics in the 1940s and 1950s;

3. A soul-crushing obsession with big-production events, in which the clergy play starring roles;

4. A compulsion for gaudy realism and cheesy pageantry, like live animals in dress-up parades;

5. An abnormal amount of time, energy, and resources wasted on seasonal décor, like vulgar heaps of blazing beeswax candles and an embarrassment of floral excess;

6. An over-the-top attention to and pride in vestments and other paraments; and

7. A down-market impresario's urge to self-promote.

When you see any of these signs in priests and prelates, you have reality-show religion, not the Roman Catholic faith, which has always deplored and suppressed the crassly theatrical. When they show up, give all clerical P. T. Barnums the bum's rush.