SPRING MAILBAG #4

Editor's Note: ¡Arre, Burro! Dannie's barely unpacked from his last adventure when he's off back to the west coast of Mexico again (♬ Ya va llegando el PEN-dejo ♬). Here's an email we received about "One Hand Dan's" plans to head on down for the sun-and-fun of Tijuana on the Baja Gold Coast via luscious San Diego:

I couldn't believe my eyes when I read that Dolan is heading back to Mexico so soon! It looks like he is "doubling down" in the wake of your criticism. Do you think he is showing you he can do whatever he wants no matter how bad it looks? 

When you described the St. Gertrude parishioners as "low class imbecile suckers" I used to think you were just being your usual nasty, mean selves. How wrong I was -- my bad. Normal people would not put up with his behavior after the $3000 heating bill.

The "Gertrudians" are so dumb they should belong to a protected class of individuals under the law to keep them from being exploited. You have to say one thing about Dolan, he has a blank check and is fearless about the amount he fills in.

On the face of it, yes, it does seem as though Dannie's got the SW Ohio cult trash in hand. Yet we question how tight his grip really is. In his "Bishop's (?) Corner," right after announcing his latest getaway, Dannie somewhat defensively wrote this baffling non-sequitur:

Every aspect of travel is a labor of love, only of love, but so is life for a Christian.

How does a non-cultist Catholic interpret such cloying drivel? The obvious meaning, without question, is: Wee Dan loves to travel, and the "Gerties" must labor to provide it. But we also suspect there's a deeper message beneath that absurd pap.

"One Hand" is worried.

In the shabby hallways and rancid latrines of the moribund cult center, there's been sharp talk about his wandering ways -- and the big expenses. Attendance is down. Collections are getting thinner. The blank faces are morphing into resentful frowns. Raised eyebrows and surly looks contort beyond recognition the savagely twisted features of the restive victims staring back angrily from the pews. In the stifling atmosphere of decaying SGG, there's a palpable sense that all is coming to an end, especially when St. Therese the Little Flower chapel opens up in its new, permanent home in frighteningly nearby Lebanon, Ohio, tomorrow (May 18).

Tormented simultaneously by the burning itch to travel abroad and the bowel-loosening fear of mass defections, Dannie has turned to what he knows best -- religiously themed B.S. In his anxiety, he fretfully hopes and prays the culties are stupid enough to believe that Christian brotherly love motivates his unnecessary, money-wasting wanderlust. By the very act of explaining himself so pitifully, he betrays his weak position. And the sheer outlandishness of his disordered explanation further diminishes His Edginess.

Imbeciles, too, have a threshold for credulity. Eventually the blindest mark will refuse to be suckered into a game with the deck stacked against him once he detects the card-shark's ill will. So, it's natural to ask why Deacon Dan hazards another cash-burning, sun-blasted trip that may push his culties another step toward a peasant revolt.

The answer is that Dannie's fractured self-esteem is on life support.

In the U.S., outside his ratty, down-market cult center, decent clergy and laity alike consider him beneath contempt. Just whispering his name provokes a mixture of repugnance and loathing: He's like a cockroach at a wedding reception. Everyone knows that whenever "Big Don" finally drops him, he'll have nothing to do except write his disjointed weekly weather report for an ever diminishing readership.

But Dubious Dan's plight is far worse than his universal disrepute: He's secretly running away from the truth that his career has been an abject failure. In fact, his failure is so complete that he isn't even anyone's rival -- especially in Mexico. The Trento bishop knows Dannie's tapped out, so his tenuous "apostolate" down there won't last much longer. It'll just take a little push.

The long and the short of it is that His Deficiency counts for nothing in the traditional movement. All his adversaries have surpassed him in span of control, chapel membership, cash-on-hand, accomplishment, and sanctity, despite his razor-sharp elbows and unrelenting scheming. By American religious-cult standards, all "One Hand's" chapels put together don't equal a fair-sized evangelical micro-church. So insignificant is His Non-Entity, the SSPV doesn't stoop to attack him seriously. Every Traddie priest and bishop of substance ignores him, and the most popular and influential U.S. wandering bishop has set up shop right, smack in the middle of helpless Dannie's back yard. The humiliation is too much for an overmatched soul to bear.

That's why he must travel to Mexico, the last country outside Tradistan still open to him. Otherwise, he'd be compelled to doubt his relevance.

Whenever Dannie makes a run for the border, the psycho-social milieu changes.  In sun-caressed, sapphire-skied, and languidly distant México lindo, His Insufficiency can imagine he's somebody important, an adult with a mission, a gringo churchman worthy of admiration. The trusting, innocent Mexican faithful -- whose cynical priests use Needy Dan to settle scores with their old boss (and get a handout)  -- have no idea how reviled he is in the 'States. With childlike faith, they trust their cunning clergy, who ply to their advantage His Inadequacy's pathetic wants. Waddling into some poor village, surrounded by smiling, simple people who know nothing of his record, Li'l Dan can pretend for a day or two that he's a glorious prelate of yesteryear and not the grubby butt of unseemly, present-day jokes in Gringolandia. 

That fleeting, giddy feeling affords him temporary relief from the jeers, sneers, and snide remarks he must endure at home. That's why for "One Hand" it's worth chancing the loss of cultie allegiance in exchange for a moment of manufactured adulation. Then the imminent risk of rebellion is not important as long as his ego gets massaged. But this escape route from reality may soon be closed to His Dubiety when the Mexicans learn he might not be a priest or a bishop.

When he tries to distract them by citing Tony Baloney's error-filled monograph, they'll answer with Pistrina's rebuttal/refutation.  Like France, Mexico will soon wash its hands of this grasping interloper when they learn the facts. Then Deacon Dan will be all dressed up with nowhere to go. Maybe he'll just get out for good after the rudely awakened "Gerties" decide to stop being suckers.