Saturday, March 14, 2015

THE (CASH) COW'S GOING DRY



Business? It's quite simple. It's other people's money. Dumas fils

Inasmuch as Dirtbag Dan's March 8 "Bishop's (?) Corner" echoed the themes of last week's Pistrina post, we just had to follow up with some additional observations. As you may recall, a week ago we solemnly warned, "[t]he Gerties must surely be aware that the 'envelopes' will never be enough" to pay off this winter's "horrendous" utility bill.

Dubious Dan, we predicted with our usual spot-on accuracy, will come pounding on the door like a grubby repo man in search of overdue payments above and beyond the pittances in the envelopes.  He's got to cover the staggering cost to heat the poorly designed, shoddily built, and incompetently managed cult center or there'll be no holiday at the fashionable Bishop's Lodge in trendy Santa Fe this year.


And sure enough, in a frenzy of anxiety (and a dearth of politesse), Dannie the Dunner came a-collectin':
We missed you, but we hope you will not miss your weekly contribution. We will certainly need all of you to make up for any missed envelopes, and even some Lenten sacrifices to make the king’s ransom the Duke will be sending round to collect. 
The first "missed" in the quotation echoed the three (yep, count 'em: 1, 2, 3) occurrences of the same word in the previous paragraph: "But sixty or so of you were stranded, and thus missed Mass. We missed you. If you missed the Mass... " Dannie knows the Gerties are dumber than a box of rocks -- who else but a moron would support him, the Cheeseball, the McFaker, Lurch, and the Forlorn Finn? -- so he had to guarantee they got the point: Dannie missed their money! 

To make sure the cultling pinheads got his drift, His Neediness, you 'll observe, followed up with pregnant "miss" and then the impossible-to-misinterpret "missed envelopes." But Panhandlin' Dan knew better than to let the Gerties think they could get off the hook by turning in the envelopes that went missing in action during the bout inclement weather.


Oh, no, not by a scraggly hair of their double chinny-chin-chins will the Gerties get off cheap this year!

Dannie confirmed what we had already guessed: the "envelopes" won't be enough. The Gerties will have to make additional "Lenten Sacrifices" (translation: hand over even more of your money) to clean up his mess. The crass cynicism is heartbreaking. It's worse than selling indulgences: The cult masters can't manage the budget, so Dan tarts up a slimy bailout scheme in religious disguise to hoodwink the suckers. Reprehensible -- and you thought the Fed played fast and loose with peoples' money!


So all this leads us to the big question:

Where's Dannie's "Lenten Sacrifice"?


At the risk of repeating ourselves, why did His Prodigality buy an unneeded replacement organ in the middle of winter heating season? Why did he insist on vacationing recently in sunny Florida and radiant Mexico? All that wasted money could have relieved the cash-strapped Gerties from having to part with more of their precious savings in these tough economic times. Will Dannie promise not to spend a leisurely week at his and Checkie's favorite Southwestern luxury spa if the cultlings come through with the extra cash? We don't think so.


As we said last week, the old organ could have been updated, and it wasn't absolutely necessary to lead the retreat at the Swampland pesthouse (Big Don could've done it better anyway) or to confirm in Mexico, for that matter. The Gerties can't afford to indulge Checkie's dalliance "in seventh heaven with our new old organ" when they've got their own families to feed, clothe, and educate. And, as we've said before, there's a slew of traditional and valid bishops available south of the border.


From what we've recently read and heard, we think there just might be a real possibility that the Gerties won't be as forthcoming this year with a bailout. There's growing disaffection with the non-stop demands for cash. Dannie himself unwittingly gave us this sober hint of the Gerties' nascent resistance to further abuse:
We ran out of Lenten food last week, and Father [= the Forlorn Finn] has proven a most talented and creative vegan cook. He fed us “hamburgers” one night, and pasta and “meatballs” another, and all without the meat! Fr. Cekada was delighted by the vegan mayonnaise, and we were all charmed by many such small touches that make for a great meal. I am grateful for the relief, as I used to be terribly distracted during Vespers by the thought of what to feed the Fathers.
Let's imaginatively deconstruct this message.  First, to "run out of Lenten food" cannot possibly mean that the cupboards were bare and the mouse-infested fridge empty. That scarcity could've been easily remedied by a quick trip to the neighborhood supermarket. (Indeed, they must have had to do some marketing to buy either soy milk or tofu for the vegan mayo.)

Our guess is that, in an updating of  Lysistrata, the exhausted Gertie womenfolk have stopped supplying catered meals for these lazybones clerics, and Dannie's trying to shame them back into the kitchen. Without a doubt, the cult matrons are distressed that the meals they slaved over were put away half eaten as fare for rodents. (Kudos to that as yet unknown "Lysisdeipna" who first put her foot down and refused to be taken advantage of again.)


There's a very good lesson in this anecdote for the overworked cultling chattel: when it comes to eating or going without, these moochers are perfectly able to fix their own meals. There are usually four to five clerical louts loitering around, so no lay homemaker need burden herself by preparing a big feed for the malformed slacker ingrates. And if Li'l Dan had any organizational skills, he'd build a schedule of kitchen duties each month and thereby relieve himself of daily, last-minute worrying about "what to feed the Fathers" -- and himself!


Let's keep our fingers crossed and hope the Gerties are finally getting tired of incessant fundraising projects and other unreasonable demands on their time and personal resources. After all, these clerics are, at best, petits bourgeois, not upper-crust elites deserving of special treatment. The end of the slavish catering duties may spell the beginning of the lay revolt against the oppressive cult masters. We'll have to wait and see.


In the meantime, you Gerties who've missed offering tribute to the beast have Pistrina's permission to

rip those envelopes open and reclaim your money -- and don't answer the door when Dannie knocks. 



23 comments:

  1. "in an updating of Lysistrata, the exhausted Gertie womenfolk have stopped ..."

    I recommend that the (adult) members of the readership punch "Lysistrata" into Wikipedia to understand the reference our edifying blogster is making here. The analogy is DEFINITELY not appropriate for children, except perhaps for those children who attended the public schools that the esteemed author of this blog worked for all his life. There's not much that will ever shock THOSE poor children again ...

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    1. First, the mention of the Greek comedy is not an "analogy" -- its an ALLUSION. Second, we doubt children can read this blog, so your petty Comstockery is wasted. Third, if a child does have unrestricted access to the web, that wretched urchin will discover a whole lot more to titillate him than a plot synopsis of one of the great works of the Western Canon.

      Our intended audience is the educated Catholic, who has the wit, refinement, and sophistication to appreciate a classical reference. Occasionally, we are aware, a Pecksniffian booby such as yourself, who must Google a word before he can understand the meaning, peers in from the outside. But you're not the audience -- you're not even in the peanut gallery.

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    2. By Anon. 3/15 1:26's standards, every household should lock up the family Bible lest THOSE poor cult-schooled children read, say, about Joseph and Potiphar's wife, Dina and Sichem, Onan and Thamar, David and Bethsabee, Susanna and the two elders, Amnon and Thamar, Lot and his daughters, and the multiple references to fornication and adultery in the Prophets, Gospels, Epistles, and the Apocalypse.

      Better still, according to his line of thinking, no one should ever reference any of the books of Sacred Scripture that contain these stories or words lest the kids get online and read the summaries or -- heaven forbid! -- the actual Biblical texts.

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  2. Since you've been prognosticating, I'd like to join in the fun & do a little myself. So far you've been correct so let's see if I can also be proved correct.

    I say that the offerings (envelopes & additional almsgiving) won't quite be enough this year to cover the heating bills, but Dan &Tony will take off for NM anyway. Most likely they will think of some creative excuse to go.

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    1. We think you're 100% correct! We would only add that the "creative excuse" to go to NM will be cast in religious terms, like going on a pilgrimage or doing penance or undertaking a mission.

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  3. As I mentioned in a previous post, Allen organs do NOT slowly die. Just because their former instrument used "punch cards" doesn't make it obsolete. In fact, most punch cards work very well at adding new voices to an existing instrument. The "reader" for the punch cards consists of tiny diode lights which do burn out over time. A certified technician (and they exist in Cincinnati) simply replaces them--it takes a few minutes to do. My parish recently upgraded the speaker system and the organ sounds fantastic--just as it did when purchased NEW in 1982. The former organ probably needed some cleaning anyway--another job for the Allen technician. The Allen company still makes parts for all their older instruments. The analog technology is, admittedly, outdated but if the SGG used punch cards, the instrument is digital and repairable. Newer models no longer use punch card technology for additional voices.

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  4. Again, thanks for your expertise. It is our hope that some of the saner Gerties and the internet fans read your comments and realize just how Dannie and Checkie waste their money.

    We think it's clear now, thanks to your information, that SGG did not need to buy a "new old organ." Checkie just wanted a newer and better toy, and Dannie backed him up.

    It's interesting to note that Marchj12, the end date for the so-called matching fundraising campaign, has come and gone, but, as of this writing, there's no indication that the money has been raised. That may well mean that they haven't reached their goal, so both the balance on the organ and the huge heating bills are still due. (http://sggresources.org/products/help-replace-our-ancient-electronic-organ)

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  5. The “Anonymous” who sent in the first comment (ridiculing the reference to “Lysistrata”) was certainly none other than that other half of the SGG clown act, the hapless Checkmeister. Tony, you’re pathetic: you of all people have little room to ridicule others on the subject of scandalizing children. How about your boss’s comment of “boys will be boys” when an SGG parishioner complained to him about the SGG school principal’s sons watching porn (and animal torture videos) on the school computer: why don’t you say something about THAT? Actually, Checkie, your banal (and totally irrelevant) comment has given us a fitting subject for our next article. Thank you, Tony; you (and Dannie) are the “gifts that keep on giving”!!

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    1. Well, if the commenter was the Checkmeister, he's even more pitiful than we had imagined with his misusage of the word "analogy."

      Maybe Anon. 3/15 1:26 will get back and confirm authorship. That'll will give you an additional sample of his style to compare with other examples.

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    2. For people who cling so hard to their *own* anonymity, it sure is funny to see them trying to figure out the identity of a commenter on the site. I thought you guys have said over and over again that "It's the message that matters, not the person giving the message" and so on. But obviously that rule only applies to you.

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    3. You will note that Pistrina did not initiate the speculation. We politely replied to the commenter, as we're doing with you. You'll also note that we left it up to the writer to pursue the identity of the the illiterate who began the thread with his small-minded observation. Note, too, our reaction was a conditional one. Our editorial policy is the same as it always has been: we're indifferent to identity, but others may not be, and they may comment here just as those others who try to divine the identity of Pistrina's contributors.

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    4. I don't know ... 1:26 AM looks pretty literate to me, but it seems you gys like to think yoo are the only wuns who no hou to rede.

      Seriously, though, I don't think 1:26 AM is the only person here who thinks it's a little, um, uncomfortable that our blogger compared women at SGG to the women in the "Lysistrata". According to his ALLUSION, the women who cook for the clergy at SGG are similar in a sense to the women in the "Lysistrata" who stopped having sex with their husbands and boyfriends in an effort to persuade them to end the Peloponnesian War.

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    5. Our point was that the women who REFUSE to prepare meals for the SGG clergy have rung a change on the Athenian women's stratagem of withholding something the guys want in order to make them behave.

      Yes, 1:26 AM seems pretty literate except for the misuse of the word analogy. We hold the Cheeseball in the lowest esteem, but we would have thought that even HE knew the difference between an analogy and an allusion.

      If Checkie is the author of the comment - and we really don't give a hoot if he is or not -- then we'll know to drop our opinion of him even lower (if that's possible).

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    6. I would give anything to see the expression on one of these good women's faces if you explained to them what you think they're doing and what you're comparing it to.

      "I see what you're doing, lady. You're not cooking for the clergy anymore because you think they're wasting too much money. You're just like those ancient Greek women who stopped having intimate relations with their husbands/boyfriends so they would end the Peloponnesian War."

      A video of their reaction to that would be on the front page of YouTube for a good while, I'm sure.

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    7. We would never be so cruel as to try to explain a classical literary allusion in complex sentences to the overworked, quivering, and neurologically damaged Gertie womenfolk.

      If we ever did try, we imagine the reaction would be an open-mouthed, cross-eyed stare of befuddlement. Then they would awkwardly wipe the drool hanging from their hairy chins and grunt, "Hunnh?"

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    8. What the —?

      Really, what is your problem? What's the deal with all this venom and hatred towards the people who go to St. Gertrude's? What did they do to you that was so bad as to deserve this torrent of vile abuse that you are constantly spewing out about them? Imagine if someone said such horrible things about you, how you would feel.

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    9. We are not enablers of the cult masters. They are. Only the lowest of the low support these characters in the face of all the damning evidence. If we supported such scum, then we, too, would deserve the same kind of just criticism.

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  6. Requesting suggestions on better use of money. I have seen various complaints about how money is spent, like that large seminary castle SSPX is constructing in VA.

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    1. Trad clergy of every stripe love big spending. The only way to stop it is to refuse to donate.

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    2. Oh, well that's a bit different of an answer. I mean that the money should probably be spent on spirituality anyway, but maybe give to the poor or something? Buy catechisms to give?

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    3. You're thinking like a Christian, which is definitely not the preferred mental framework of most Trad clergy.

      As for giving the money to the poor, we imagine that the clergy's impious reply would be, "'the poor you have always with you,' but we only live once, and we need to live high on the hog."

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    4. Yeah, well, so I guess maybe what I'm getting at is these people at SGG might want to give anyway, so instead of merely "starving the beast", how about give to the poor? Or was wondering other suggestions for use of $

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    5. That's a capital notion, and we'll incorporate it in future closing exhortations.

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