Saturday, May 2, 2015


Tempus abire tibi est. ("It's time for you to go away.") Horace

The radio silence ended on April 29, when, after a lengthy hiatus, the surname of the "principal" at the epicenter of the seismic [click here] 2009 SGG School Scandal resurfaced in the "Bishop's (?) Corner." The occasion was the announcement of the upcoming high-school "graduation" of his son from SGG.

In the aftermath of the 2009 catastrophe, Dannie frequently used to praise the "principal" and his large family, no doubt as part of a brain-washing effort to allay the Gerties' resentment of the remote cause of their destruction. (Li'l Dan's failure to take action was the proximate cause.) "One Hand" must've been trying to bamboozle the cultlings into believing the "principal" was an invaluable asset rather than the enormous drain on the chapel's resources he in fact is.

Of late, however, close students of the moribund cult have marked the telling absence of his name from Dubious Dan's weekly kitty-'n'-bunny fantasy and ex-post-facto weather almanacSince we're certain this reserve has been no mere oversight, enquiring minds that we are, we thought we'd indulge in some insightful guesswork.

In all probability, Deacon Dan is fed up, angry, and afraid. Fed up because the cult hasn't recovered financially in the five years since the epochal SGG School Scandal broke. Angry because he dare not free himself from a burden that consumes so much money -- money that could be used for trips abroad,  fancy restaurant dining, luxury vacation getaways at the chichi Bishop's Lodge in elegant Santa Fe, and sorely needed contributions to his anemic retirement fund. Afraid because the "principal" and the "school" are devouring the substance of his future

Before the scandal, when there were plenty of benefactors around to underwrite that sorry excuse for a school, the luxury of the "principal" was affordable. Now it's not.  In the past weeks, we've blogged about Dannie's trembling, lip-biting accounts of declining attendance at cult Lenten activities. And as late as last week Dan lamented the low attendance on Low Sunday. He knows the diminishing numbers document an irreversible trend: they loom like Banquo's ghost at every meager dinner and at the increasingly infrequent potluck suppers -- the botulism-banquets that feed him and his clown crew for free.

Finances are tightening. Before his terror-ravaged eyes, the kids are growing up, leaving. Not surprisingly, the younger generation is opting to stay away from the place of furious memories of their parents'  financial bondage to the cult, an enslavement that produced their deprived childhoods. (Their spartan Christmases, which no child forgives -- memorable for shabby, empty stockings and naught but dirty, yellow-stained carpet under a scrawny, dry tree -- fêted the self-indulgent cult masters.) The older generation is retiring. Newcomers have grown fewer owing to all the bad publicity. If he had an ounce of sound business sense -- along with the freedom to act -- Dannie would close the school and dismiss the staff, starting at the top. 

Realistically, the cult cannot -- or will not -- generate enough money for both Dan's dreams and the "principal's" needs.  The gullible Gerties have been squeezed and squeezed until they've got nothing left to give. So straitened are the circumstances that the cult can't easily afford necessities, like heating or professional exterminators to control the infestation of dangerous vermin.

As he watches so much SGG treasure confiscated for this man's support, it's dawning on Wee Dan that he and the Blunderer will never enjoy a comfortable, genteel retirement in the stylish desert Southwest of their dreams.  More importantly, he may have finally reached the conclusion that the "principal's" instinct for self-preservation will never allow Li'l Dan to retire to a swank, Spanish-Pueblo-Revival residence in Ol' Santa Fe, thereby leaving the man unprotected. Dannie is his ace in the hole. It only makes sense that he'll do whatever he can to keep Dan the Dungball tethered to sinus-destroying SW Ohio forever: A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do for himself and his own!

It's obvious when the cult has trouble meeting the winter heating bill, there's no money to pension off the "principal" and his family. If the cult masters were to leave, we'd bet even money that Dubious Dan's successor at ragged SGG would soon throw off this fiscal albatross. The vapid "young fathers" may have a very poor formation, but you don't have to be a Wall-Street wizard to understand the "principal" and the "school" are bottomless money pits. Therefore, inasmuch as there'd be no leverage with a new pastor, the "principal" knows the old one must remain, whether Dannie wants to or not. The "principal" will make certain His Captiveship remains a prisoner at SGG (and there'll be no nocturnal, angelic visitor to loosen his fetters, that's for sure).

In our informed view, the Gerties are quietly outraged at the hundreds of thousands of their dollars that have gone directly or indirectly to the "principal" and his family. They know the school should be self-supporting; it should, in fact, generate income for the chapel. Folks didn't join SGG to underwrite an unnecessary enterprise that could never pay its own way.

In their hearts, the Gerties know the "school" and the "principal's" salary represent an unholy waste of their hard-earned money. Moreover, incidental reports from the area tell us that Gerties are openly questioning the need for the "principal" as well as the "school." That's why they're voting silently with their pocketbooks --- and their non-participation.

SGG has reached an impasse.*

But what can Dirtbag Dan do? He's stuck between the proverbial rock and a hard place.  Maybe the reference to the graduation was intended as a hint for the "principal" to start packing. But that won't work. Not when the "principal's" livelihood is at stake. For that reason, he'll fight hard for his grubby place in the occasional sun of SW Ohio; no one will take it away from him without a severe loss. What other options are available to him? Big-box-store greeter? Grocery-store stock boy? Not on your life! His masters have already spoken for those jobs.

In our opinion, some of the Gertie élite (LOL) who don't want to see all their efforts and sacrifices go down the toilet may soon attempt to set Dannie free. In the face of the cult masters'  inaction,  they could call for the removal of this intolerable financial burden. Judging by the events of 2009, Wee Dan, fearful of the consequences, would resist the rescue.

For "Operation Disimprison Daniel" to succeed, the laity might have to promise to back their  clergy no matter what the outcome!  Let the "principal" explode and spill his guts and have done with him! That'll take real gumption along with a strong stomach, for the fallout could prove toxic for the Gerties as well as for all Tradistan. (See the editorial "Thinking the Unthinkable" here.) But act they must, and soon, too, if they don't want to witness the decaying cult center boarded up and put on the auction block in the next three to five years.

Whatever they decide, any action may be too late.

SGG is bleeding out. There's no more cold, hard cash, -- the cult's lifeblood -- to keep it alive. The effort to maintain the "principal" on the SGG welfare roll is unsustainable. According to simple economic theory, there's not enough available capital to support Dannie, Cheesy, and the crumbling cult campus on the one hand AND the "principal's" enormous household on the other. By the time the tenth anniversary of the 2009 SGG School Sandal rolls around, the accumulated losses will be staggering. As the old Vipers of Vaudeville site reported in 2011, a CPA's analysis of the impact of retaining the "principal" made this astonishingly prescient forecast:
Based upon bequests received by and legacies pledged for the new chapels [i.e., the new chapels formed by those leaving SGG as a result of the 2009 scandal, Ed.]; the money raised or targeted for the new chapels’ building and remodeling programs already in the planning and execution stages; the new chapels’ attracting traditional Catholics who may otherwise have joined SGG; the canceled or changed testamentary trusts and life-insurance policies payable to SGG or its former satellites; the personal gifts of cash to the principals [viz. Deacon Dan and the Blunderer, Ed.] for Christmas, Easter, birthdays, the Bishop’s Fund etc.; the expected increasing defections from SGG as the faithful experience buyer’s remorse; the lost interest and investment earnings on redirected capital; the loss of benefactors for MHT; the depletion of the will to support SGG among those who remain as they retire and/or become more disillusioned under the knowledge of whom they are supporting, I should think the biennial loss rate to SGG will double. I could well see an effective $6,000,000 loss to SGG occurring in the biennium of 2019-21.”
At the rate of non-participation the cult is suffering, the chapel won't make it to 2019. It'll be bust long before. Saving the place is honestly out of the question.

Perhaps some of the more disillusioned Gerties may secretly be praying for a melt down so they can start afresh once all the bums have been kicked out. We propose they forget about buying the sleazy property at the fire-sale price it will command and join instead one of the other traditional chapels in the area. There are two very good reasons for this alternative.

First, the dump is a white elephant requiring substantial capital improvements. As one engineer told us, the structure is a "20-year" building, meaning it was built to last only that long. Its useful life is coming to an end. Second, the Gerties would have to find replacement clergy, yet the only ones immediately available to take over will be "One-Hand Dan's" doubtful creatures. To be certain of the validity of their orders, the Gerties would have to find someone to confer conditional ordination. We doubt Big Don would make his services available, even for a hefty fee.

That's all too much trouble and expense. Better to add to the membership of one of the other thriving traditional Catholic chapels/missions in which SW Ohio is so rich. Everyone needs a new beginning. Gerties can get started today by just walking away.

* According to Uneven-Steven McKenna (a.k.a. the McFaker), whom we think may be Dannie's successor, this word is to be pronounced "im-pass-say,"as you can hear in this Restoration Radio broadcast at minute 42:26. Don't you just marvel at Tradistani "priestly" formation?


  1. Faith and prayer;
    no need for despair!

  2. Church got broke
    Lot of chaos going on
    God send help

  3. Wolves

    Snares and heaps

  4. Holy [pseudo-]haikus

  5. Pious poetry
    anointed art
    heavenly hymns

    Catholic soap operas
    play out on the eternal stage
    the people, without a sage
    Intermission ends, act three begins

  6. A photocopied Catholicism
    Just ain’t like the original
    Sinning like Adam
    This Pandora’s box, closed
    side shows or main attraction?

  7. Clowns miming the past.
    Why will ye not, Traddies, prune
    The shriveled blossom?

  8. Dear Anonymous May 3, 8:36 a.m.

    A very nice -- brilliant, in fact -- image: "photocopied Catholicisim." But just a little off the mark, if you don't mind my saying. The cult's practice of Catholicism is not the facsimile you get from a photocopy. I'd say SGG's brand was mimeographed Catholicism, and a smudged mimeo at that..

    1. You're both too kind. It's more like what you see in those funny mirrors at carnivals

    2. Perfect! Nothing but distortion, exaggeration, and irreality. You've captured Tradistan.