Last December 28, we urged Gerties to make a solemn New Year's resolution to leave the cult center in 2015. As we counseled, SGG's cultlings are fortunate in having so many traddie alternatives within easy reach, including the SSPV, SSPX, an independent chapel or two and, yes, even the deservedly much maligned CMRI.
If, for some reason, none of the above options is palatable to some of the remaining Gerties anxious to escape "One-Hand's" aggressive panhandling and budget-bustin' travel schedule, we're delighted to announce the arrival of a new alternative in Tradtown:
This upstart sede venue is run by a name well known in the area: "Bishop (?)" Markus Ramolla, who six years ago almost to the day, in the wake of the suicidal SGG School Scandal, led oppressed Gertie bondservants out of Dannie's raccoon-plagued Egypt into a promised land of cult-free Catholicism. Now he's back again roaming his old stomping grounds, chastened and re-mixed for his second act in American life. The Moses-meme is out. This time he's a scrappy lightweight challenging the reigning bantamweight titleholder for the undisputed championship of SW Ohio in a shabby cage match we'll bill as the Battle of the Make-Believe Bishops.
Sure, he's got his critics and detractors. But what out-sized personality in Cultilandia doesn't? And there's one thing you can bet the farm on: The Kid's got moxie -- and boy-oh-boy can he build chapels! What's more, the cult masters have thrown every low blow those maggots had at him, yet he's still standing on his feet, bolo punchin' and rope-a-dopin'.
He's a real contender, that's for sure. Deacon Dan's afraid of that, you can bet your booties, Granny. (So's Big Don.) The first punch -- and we think it'll be a knock out -- is the Kid's to deliver. We can't wait to be there for the count. Maybe Tony Baloney, Li'l Dan's chief second, will throw in the towel as soon as His Vagrancy returns from Merry Olde England.
(Assuming, that is, the vacation alert we received is accurate. For some strange reason, Travelin' Dan hasn't confirmed it yet. Our sources are usually impeccable, so we ask: Why is "One Hand" being so coy? Is he worried his culties won't be so generous at Xmas time if they learn about a pending, unnecessary escape to sophisticated and super expensive London? Will he stay at Claridge's, or somewhere else in posh Mayfair? Those folks over there aren't "dirt poor," so it'll be fun to know who pays for this shanty Irish-American's junket: cash-strapped, tapped-out, downmarket Gerties or well-heeled, upscale, pukka British swells from the City?)In the meantime, the Mitered Mauler can prepare to take over the title to Cultilandia by getting himself conditionally ordained and consecrated. He's one of "One-Hand's" ordinati, you know. it might be prudent for him to seek conditional orders ASAP so he can stand tall in the ring when the ref raises his arm in victory. Our champ's aware there are more trad bishops than a barn dog has flees, so he should have no difficulty finding one to help him out now that he's back in the U.S.A., ready to rumble in the Tradistani jungle.
SW Ohio is your oyster.