At long last! The decades of masquerading have ended.
It seems Dannie's given up pretending to be a traditional, pre-Bugnini Catholic "pastor." Faking it must no longer be a viable business model. In the sere autumn of his failed career as a religious entrepreneur, he's decided — ecclesiastical law be damned! —to do whatever it takes to herd the straying Gerties into the shabby cult center: Every "gun" shearer knows you can't fleece sheep if they aren't in the catching pen first.
Do you remember a few weeks back when the cult resorted to the verbal subterfuge of inviting post-burial diners to "consider themselves dispensed from the Friday abstinence"? (Click here.) Well, the cult kingpin is now outright declaring a dispensation on his own, as if he were a bona-fide Ordinary.
Don't believe us?
Then read the alarming proclamation in the $GG bulletin flyer (p. 4), aimed at promoting attendance at the Candlemas "Winter Soup Supper" on Friday, February 2:
"Abstinence is dispensed for those who attend the Mass."Not only is the decree an audaciously lawless move, it's also a revolutionary manifesto in miniature. No more weasel wording. From now on, it'll be bald declarations from "One-Hand Dan" himself! A cultling won't have to wrestle with her or his conscience by considering anything. Like a reeking, triple-decker cheeseburger tossed into a flyblown dumpster, the illicit "dispensation" is there for the grabbing, if you're reckless enough to take it. The only catch is you'll have to turn out for a Big Show to be dispensed.
PL reckons the handful of Gerties in attendance last night left their thin gruel and watery soups in the fridge, schlepping instead greasily viscous buckets of stew clogged with ragged chunks of squirrel, pig's trotters, raccoon, downer cow, or unidentifiable road kill. So epoch-making is this new discipline that we Readers created a brand-new signature slogan for the SW Ohio cult:
$GG: A meat-eater's Friday-night delight, where "One-Hand" dispenses if you foot the expenses.Why, you might ask, did the cult masters adopt so rash a policy, one guaranteed to alienate many dyed-in-the-wool traditional Catholics? To hear some orthodox trads talk, Dannie might have to surrender his "sede card." But we think we've got the answer for all this risky business: The Gerties' financially ruinous boycott of $GG activities.
Throughout 2017, Dannie often rued the low participation in and flagging enthusiasm for cult social life. In last week's "Corner," he continued his private pity party with a string of soul-bearing ruminations. After nostalgically recalling the "palmy years of the 80s,"— where "the darkened church was well filled!" — he suddenly whimpered, "Anybody remember?" (Was that a sniffle we detected?)
Then, perhaps after swallowing a "reality-pill," the Pastor of Disaster unexpectedly manned up: "Well, those days are done." (You betcha they are: Gertie gummers are dying off, while the rams and ewes are wandering away, either physically or emotionally.) The self-feeding, flock-scattering shepherd who formerly ruled with a high hand tried to console himself with the observation that on "some Sundays the Mass is well filled." But we'd say he's tormented by the subconscious knowledge that one day in the near future on no Sunday will the Mass be "well filled."
By his own admission, the Gerties didn't even bother to reply to his survey about "a good daily Mass time" (for Lent, we presume). His Despondency "only heard from one or two souls." Hilariously, a certain sassy spirit who made the effort to suggest a time impertinently informed Dannie "he wouldn't be attending." Talk about indifference! And with cheeky apathy like that comes reduced giving — of time, of moral support, and of money.
In spite of the brave face he put on, His Anxiety's gotten the message, loud and clear. That's why he had to try something — anything — to increase traffic in the forsaken cult center, notwithstanding the danger of alienating pious Catholics. When he learned "300 guests" have already signed up for Junior's "consecration," he must have been crushed. Compensatory narcissist that he is, Dan's aware the center of Tradistan is relentlessly shifting toward the Kid. As soon as it dawns on him that illicit dispensations from the Friday abstinence won't fill the pews with "sheeple," it's frightening to imagine what he'll do thereafter to keep basking in the self-enhancement only cash confers.*
Why the silence? What's to hide? The Donster had the space to write something in the newsletter. Did PL's interest in the occasion and its players spook him? Are undoubtedly valid co-consecrators backing out because of pressure from their flocks or their bosses? Did "One Hand" ask him to hold off on any announcement in order to save face? (The Wee One hasn't said a thing about a February Mexican adventure yet: Could be he's buying time.) Come to think about it, there may have been internal arguments with the élite about the arrangements and participants. Maybe Don's been told to keep his piehole shut until everything's settled.
We'll never know the reason for all the coyness. Of this we can be sure, however: "The Lowly Worm" didn't live up to his word — or maybe he simply couldn't remember.
* It amazes PL that the sedes have missed the transactional opportunity to invent their own procedures for issuing decrees of nullity of marriage. That ploy would be a real moneymaker as well as a crowd pleaser — sure to pack 'em in every day of the week. There could even be a tie-in with the cult's Young Adult Get-Together. Dannie might even want to rebrand it as the "Yearning for Annulment Gang." Honestly, we don't see how His Necessity can afford to pass up the chance for profitable commodification on $GGResources by hawking T-shirts (long-sleeved, of course) and polycarbonate beer mugs tempting traddies to