DOWN ARGENTINE WAY

When the money keeps rolling out, you don't keep books:/You can tell you've done well by the happy, grateful looks./Accountants only slow things down; figures get in the way. "Evita" (lyrics by Tim Rice)

Recently, "One Hand" took a pricey junket to Argentina to perform confirmations and at least one tonsure. Apparently, a chapel down there couldn't get another bishop, so they finally found a willing candidate (read chump?) in Deacon Dan to spend a pleasant holiday showing off for strangers who don't know his history. (From what Dannie wrote, it looks as though he was, at best, the third bishop invited.)

Although confirmation isn't necessary for salvation, we wouldn't begrudge Wee Dan a little escape from the blank faces and polar cold of SW Ohio cult central to enjoy some summertime swaggering and strutting south of the equator -- as long as the inviting organization (or Dannie himself) footed the bill, not the cash-strapped cult members.

A front-page story about Argentina's financial crisis in the January 24 Wall Street Journal got us to wondering if the two Argentine sibling-priests who invited him were even in a position to pay for the trip. For quite some time, Argentina has been experiencing capital flight and at the same time has been burning through its foreign-exchange reserves.  The situation is complex, but it all boils down to what the WSJ called a "dollar crunch."

Part of the continuing problem stems from the difference between the official exchange rate (6.5 Argentinian pesos per U.S. dollar when Li'l Dan was vacationing) and the rate available on the black market (around 10 per U.S. dollar at the time). People, always guided by prudentia carnis, were taking advantage of the spread: when a friend or relative from abroad intended to visit, they would buy his ticket in Argentina at the official exchange rate. When the traveler arrived with the dollar value of the ticket in cash, he then sold those dollars on the black market, pocketing a handsome, tidy profit. The government soon got wise and prohibited such enterprising speculation altogether.

Therefore, it's not too big a stretch to suppose that "One Hand" bought his ticket in the U.S. Nowadays, the price of a round-trip plane ticket from cult central U.S.A. to Argentina represents a huge amount of money down there. Based on Dannie's report about the poverty he encountered, it doesn't look as though his hosts could have reimbursed him -- either in dollars or in pesos.

In fact, it's highly improbable that "One Hand" would have accepted reimbursement in pesos (and if he did, he's dumber than we think). Sadly for this wonderful country, the Argentine peso is now almost worthless. So, dollars would have been the only option, and unless the two inviting priests had some greenbacks squirreled away, they would've had to buy dollars on the black market with cold, hard cash. The amount of local currency needed for the transaction would have been substantial. In our view, it would have amounted to a big sacrifice for something that was not absolutely necessary. (We must admit, though, that such an expenditure might make sense if the two priests were sending an oblique message to the other bishops who usually work with them.)

Now, if it is the case that "One Hand" acquired his own ticket, we have this question: Where did the money come from? Did Dannie use his own money or his accumulated airline miles? If the funds came from his own personal resources (frequent-flyer points, stipends, holiday gifts, salary etc.), then fine and dandy. However, if the money came from offerings the culties made to support their chapel and if the Argentines didn't reimburse "One Hand," then that's another matter altogether. It's always easy to be generous with someone else's money, isn't it?

When there are serious money/infrastructure problems in SW Ohio, it's tough to see how anyone could justify such an expenditure from the chapel's treasure to administer a sacrament not necessary for salvation in a far-away land that has its own bishop. "One-Hand Dan" didn't have to put on his travelin' shoes. The two priests could have waited until the traditional bishop living in Argentina was able to journey to their city. It's a simple matter of accountability despite the fact that the cult masters control all their chapels' assets, lock, stock, and barrel.  

Pistrina advises cult members to ask "One Hand" point-blank who paid for this unnecessary excursion. (They should also insist on getting documentary evidence.) After all, the faithful deserve to know how their hard-earned money is being spent; in justice, the cult masters owe their flock an accounting. Money is too tight here in the U.S. to sponsor therapeutic getaways to beautiful South-American locales just so Wee Dan can escape his stateside problems by pretending his failed "apostolate" is not on life support and he's still useful. Everybody knows he's as useless as aspirin in a leper colony.

If "One Hand" wasted his own money on this ego-boosting jaunt, then all you can do is pity the needy beggar. However, if it turns out that the cult center paid the freight, we advise each contributor to withhold weekly offerings until he or she individually recoups the total amount of the ticket. Thus, assuming the ticket cost $1,200, if only ten decent people were to participate, the cult would suffer a $12,000 decline in income in a short time. We bet the loss would make them think twice about their improvident ways in the future. 

Now, just think what would happen if there were 50 upright souls taking part!

MAKE SURE THE "PRODIGAL PRELATE" STAYS IN LINE. SEND THIS EPISCOPUS VAGANS AND PRÆSUL VIATOR THE MESSAGE THAT HE'S ACCOUNTABLE: STARVE THE BEAST.