WINTER OF DISCONTENT

I've yet to meet the Duke I couldn't like. Patrick Shaw-Stewart

Last week's "Bishop's(?) Corner" turned out to be yet another revelation. "One Hand" seems to use the feature for writing therapy to ease the psychoneurotic trauma of overseeing a swiftly collapsing enterprise. In that squalid little forum of his, he can give expression to his apprehensions under the bogus guise of an elder churchman's world-weary ruminations. At the same time, through unsubtle hints, he endeavors to persuade the overburdened "Gerties" to part with more of their scarce cash to keep the dying St. Gertrude's Cult Center on life-support.

As you must have guessed by now, we Readers eagerly look forward to Dannie's journal of inner turmoil for the simple reason that it confirms all our conjectures. Let's take a look at two of His Transparency's recent disclosures. The first confirms our suspicions about the culties' losing interest in "One Hand's" paraliturgical dinner theater:

Fewer and fewer even make the Stations each year. The Friday evening Mass and supper have almost a handful, the same as at any other season. We shall not speak of Sunday Vespers or most weekday Masses, a lost cause.

"One Hand" appears to be lamenting the unpleasant truth that fewer people supplying his Friday soup kitchen means less free food for him and his beggarly crew. He's got five big mouths to feed, so the loss of a weekly gratis meal means he's got to dip into his own resources. That spells less money for fancy restaurants, lavish trips, and shopping sprees. Secondly, the cooling of enthusiasm translates directly into a lowering of cult revenues. The fewer times Wee Dan and his underlings see the cultie turnips, the less opportunity there is to squeeze the cash-bled victims for more money.

Deacon Dan's grousing corroborates all the danger signals we've seen flashing. One of the most alarming came by way of John Lane's Bellarmine Forums. In his thoughtful rebuttal of Cheeseball Checkie's latest effort to scare the faithful with the una-cum bogeyman, the well-respected moderator accurately summarized the Cekada's argument:

In other words, "Get yourselves over here to St. Gertrude's. After all, there's plenty of spare room these days!"

For those who aren't aware of it, the serious and learned Mr. Lane occupies a particularly well-placed position to know about the deep, secret goings-on at the SW Ohio cult. His cutting remark, combined with the reports we're receiving, gives the lie to the tall tales about SGG growth and prosperity.

More revealing than the low-attendance complaint is His Exigency's second disclosure:

God reward your generosity in your Sunday offerings. “Alms covereth a multitude of sin.” You are helping us pay the king’s ransom which the Duke demands for another of our “global warming” Winters. Imagine if it were really warm? I imagine the heating bills would be lower…

For those unfamiliar with the SW Ohio region, "the Duke" is Duke Energy, the giant electric and gas company down there. It's clear "the Duke" is an exacting overlord whom Dannie wishes to placate, for it seems that as long as the "Gerties" keep paying the fuel bills, everything's A-O.K. -- even if they don't attend stations and cater the weekly pot-luck pig outs.

After this year's record-cold winter in Ohio, the heating costs must have been astronomical. The cult center's poor design and shoddy construction undoubtedly contributed to the enormity of the bills. All those thousands of dollars flying out the windows and escaping through the ceilings must put a crimp in the cult masters' style.  Could it be that Dannie's benevolent wish is more in hope of donations to come than for donations already received?

We bet the "Gerties" are getting tired of the unending fundraising appeals and gimmicks. After all, they have stiff heating bills of their own to pay. In all probability, they hadn't planned on their tax refunds' being used to pay for someone else's bad decisions. These folks know there was no reason to move from the cult's old location on Reading Road to take on crushing new debt and crippling maintenance expenses. Now they're stuck paying for Dannie and Cheeseball's dream-turned-nightmare.

As public-spirited internet journalists, we'd like to help the downtrodden "Gerties" just say NO to bailing out the cult masters this season. Accordingly, here's our reading of Desperate Dan's exercise in auto-therapy.

Let's first note that “Alms covereth a multitude of sin” are not actual words from Scripture. St. Peter (1 Pt 4:8) wrote, "charity* (= love) covereth a multitude of sins." But we won't quibble too much with Dannie's quotation twisting insofar as moral theologians consider alms as part of the universal law of charity. We understand Deacon Dan was just trying to tug violently on culties' heartstrings -- as well as their ever tightening purse strings -- to loosen up some cash. However, gullible "Gerties" should note:

Wee Dan cannot be the object of almsgiving!

Alms are for the needy. Almsgiving is the relief of our neighbors' necessity. How can Free Spendin' "One-Hand Dan" be needy when he's just returned from two back-to-back, expensive, unnecessary vacations abroad? And that reminds us of another question: who's paying for the Tony Baloney's monthly trips to the swampland pesthouse? If the rector doesn't reimburse the airfare , then where's the money coming from? If from the Blunderer's personal account, then he's not needy either.** And what about any retirement and savings accounts? They qualify as assets, too. And what about gifts and Mass stipends?

That's why, "Gerties," you shouldn't worry your microcephalic cultie heads. You don't have to fret about that king's ransom because there's plenty of cash in the rectory to appease "the Duke." So, go on: get your kid's teeth fixed -- and let the Gruesome Twosome dig deep into their reserves. No, indeed! The cult masters are in no way needy. They can't qualify for alms.  In fact, their non-stop money raising despoils you "Gerties" of your alms.

Nor can the cult masters compel support by appealing to the fifth commandment of the Church. The cult is not a canonically erected parish in the archdiocese and therefore has no real nexus with the Church. Moreover, there's positive doubt about "One Hand's" priestly and episcopal orders. As a result, there's also positive doubt about the validity of the orders of three of the malformed and/or unformed "clergy" under his whip hand.  No one is obligated to support doubtfully valid clergy.

In justice, the cult masters ought to contribute personally to defraying the heating expenses of the cult center. It's their design. They set the temperatures. They're the ones who insisted on the school, which must be a major contributor to the exorbitant heating bill. Ask yourselves this, "Gerties": Is St. Gertrude the Great School paying for the heat it consumes out of it's tuition revenues?

If the answer is no, "Gerties" ought to demand big changes, even though the cult center is owned by a cult-master-controlled civil corporation.  If the "Gerties" are expected to pay "the Duke," they should make their financial assistance contingent on a pledge from Dannie to stop foreign travel and to close the school.  All those salaries would certainly cover the heating and air-conditioning bills for the entire year, with plenty of money to spare! We wager that if the cult masters put SGG School to a vote of the chapel membership, an overwhelming majority would favor shutting it down and sending the staff packing.

Isn't it time for "Gerties" to put an end to this relentless panhandling? Right now they've got leverage. If they all just stopped the flow of cash, His Anxiousness would have to change his ways or head off into exile.

"The Duke" will make certain of that. 

*The Greek and Latin words for charity are ἀγάπη and c(h)aritas; for alms, ἐλεημοσύνη and  ele(e)mosyna.

** If it's coming from the general fund, then "Gerties" better reduce their weekly offerings. Why not ask Wee Dan for an accounting? It's your money, you know.