Editor's Note: We're posting a little early this weekend in hopes of saving the Gerties from another psychic shock as a result of the following email comment, which seems fitting for the season:
Did you read the "Bishop's Corner" last week? [Ed. note: the "Corner" dated March 22.] Dumb question. Sure you did. But did you catch Dan's obsession with bunnies? He mentioned them twice: The morning sun had turned all the dew into glistening crystal over which bunnies hopped AND The cats set me a good example these days as they are out at all hours and weather patrolling our property line ... guarding against marauding baby bunnies. Hardly a week goes by without some nutty comment about his alley cats and their prey. Maybe he caught rabbit fever during the recent infestation of vermin in the SGG walls. Any sage reactions, O Wise Ones?Yes, it's unnerving for a grown man -- other than Pee-Wee Herman -- to write over and over again about bunnies. When we read the "Corner" in question, our collective reaction was, "Has Deacon Dan finally lost it?" Then we had a good, long, loud laugh at Li'l Dan's expense.
If appearances are to be trusted, Wee Dan just might be chafing at our objection to his lurid accounts of disemboweled bunnies and eviscerated rabbits in the Sunday bulletin, where sensitive, squirming and un-medicated cult-bred children might encounter his fiendish reports. We feared they'd become more traumatized than they already are, so we ordered His Grossness to stop it. (See our post from last October, "Quelling the Cat.")
Under moral pressure from Pistrina, he might -- we say might -- have partially stifled an overwhelming desire to trumpet his cats' blood-spattered triumphs by chanting a bunny mantra every week. (Let's see: does that go, Om bunny-rabbit hum?) Cuteness may have been a coping mechanism to repress the publication of additional adventures in kitty-cruelty. You could, and not without warrant, conclude he was hoping to give an air of respectability to his mania through the absurd pretense of childish benevolence and saccharine squidginess. ("Well, butter muh butt and ca-a-all me a biscuit! That thar li'l, ole bee-uh-ship! Ain't he jes' so pray-shuss, Papaw?")
If our guess is right, then the auto-therapy apparently isn't working well.
His real feelings may be starting to break through, as evidenced by his blaming the victims of the wanton feline violence: the "baby bunnies" in his view are alien marauders abusing the patience of the heroic tomcat border-patrol storm troopers shielding the decrepit cult property from the incursions of the gentle migrants.
As he endures the daily succession of the secular images of the Easter Rabbit and TV's famous Flemish Giant, the clucking Cadbury Bunny, dare we imagine that Dirtbag Dan might be on the verge of going "bunny bonkers"?
Perhaps, he can't keep up the pretense any longer. The cute-bunny tic may no longer be enough to control his resentments. Could it be that he must find an outlet to sate a raging bloodlust?
Come to think about it... bunny rhymes with money, doesn't it?
Dannie's got to be furious over the huge financial losses resulting from the 2009 SGG School Scandal. All that cash gone forever and "nobunny" whom he would dare to punish. Lots of potential frustration there, that's for sure. Nothing worse than not being able to get even for something that ruined your future.
MAYBE HE REALLY NEEDS SOME LAGOMORPHIC CARNAGE SOON. CLOYINGLY CUTE MAY NOT BE WORKING ANY LONGER.
If we don't intervene, will the "Bishop's (?) Corner" again feature "hare-raising" tales of guts and gore to spoil the twitching Gerties' fragile Sunday peace?
We can't let that happen, can we?
The dirty Gerties have enough to terrorize them as it is without macabre images of shredded baby bunny carcasses and diabolical cats red in tooth and claw.
So, O.K., Dannie. Let us help you.
(We hope we're not too late! That's why we're posting a tad early this weekend. We pray Deacon Dan won't ruin the Gerties' Easter morning with another savagely bloody narrative of mayhem and mutilation.)
We promise we'll stop trying to be the better angels of your nature, Dannie Boy. End all the pretense today. Get it out of your system. Grab a box of Crayolas from the "school," print out the image below, and
Get your silly freak on!
In the last Bishop's Corner, the bishop seemed quite sad & melancholic. Don't you feel sorry for him? He bemoaned the low attendance during Lent. He said, "Your Lent may indeed have been little." What does that mean? Did he mean that if one didn't attend the services that one's Lent was 'little'? I'd like to see him truck a bunch of kids through the snow & cold, take care of sick kids, etc. & see how he'd manage.
ReplyDeleteYes, indeed, we saw his litany of complaints about low attendance and waning interest, In fact, we've analyzed it very carefully and plan to discuss our conclusions on April 18. We agree with your insight that the "bishop (?)" is deeply depressed and so he had to lash out at the Gerties, who may be waking up. We'll bet he means Lent was "little" since the collection for Palm Sunday was a measly $3,500 or so (in spite of the donkey). We recall the days when SGG had quite a few people in attendance for the Lenten Via Crucis. Such Friday sacrifices become less appealing when you're disgusted with the clergy. Take our word for it, the cult masters are losing their grip, so the new organ may soon be on the auction block. There's a lot of rumbling in the pews down there in SW Ohio, and pretty soon Dannie won't be able to keep the lid on it.
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