There's a new world coming/And it's just around the bend./There's a new world coming:/This one's coming to an end. Mama Cass Elliot
Tradistan's undergoing a sea change.
On second thought, paradigm shift is the better term.
Mortally wounded by non-stop disclosures following the 2009 $GG "School" Scandal, the sede kingpins, both "clerical" and lay, are worriedly struggling to postpone their cults' certain demise. The rumors of the SSPX's rapprochement with Rome this November have breathed enough hope into the discredited cult to warrant a reboot. But the changes won't be directed toward attracting fresh suckers. Their purpose will be to retain the few they still have.
Quite simply, newcomers will not come flooding into the cult temples, as their old business model predicted. There's far too much on the web about the cult "clergy's" hypocrisy and lunacy. The handful of Catholics who might exit the SSPX will stay away from the weird "bishop-led" cults, preferring in their stead unaffiliated "chapels." They won't want to jump out of the fire and into the frying pan of Tradistani internecine warfare, where malformed "clergy" without jurisdiction viciously squabble over turf like trailer-trash bar girls over the lone paying customer in a roadside honky-tonk.
As thick headed as the cult masters and their vested benefactors are, they sense their troubles are overwhelming. Growth is impossible. Retrenchment is the only option. The violent disruption to Sedelandia wrought by Dannie, Checkie, and the amazingly still-employed "principal" has produced a Damascene moment: Tradistan must take a different direction — a movement inward, not outward. Isolation, not engagement, is what's required.
The Readers note two new developments that suggest to us what can only be called a swiftly nearing revolution in Sedelandia. Viewed through the lens of experience in Tradtown, they lend support, we believe, to a highly plausible theory.
The first development comes from the Florida cult compound. Unconfirmed but reliable reports tell us the Clone has turned over the cult "school" to a "nun"; he's now spending his time exclusively at the "seminary" pesthouse. If true, this is the surest sign of a looming consecration: December will mark the Clone's 15th anniversary as a "priest," so his birth-right miter is long overdue. Besides, by anyone's reckoning, it's time for a new boy bishop in Trad Nation USA: The Ham Sandwich and the Long Island Jellyfish have been real duds.
Over the last month or so, not a few of our correspondents have energetically disputed Pistrina's conjecture of an impending swampland mitering. These writers argue there would then be two "bishops" serving just the one, rapidly depopulating cult compound. Such an arrangement, they insist, is hardly necessary for confirmations and holy orders.
Our answer to that sensible objection brings us to the second development. In the May 2016 pesthouse newsletter (click here), Big Don announced in his wonted ungainly, monotonous prose:
Shortly I will found an organization of traditional Catholic priests. This is something which has been sorely lacking for decades, and accordingly is something which I have desired to do for a long time. The constitutions have been written. I have been working on them since 2004. We are now merely putting the finishing touches upon them. They comprise twenty-eight pages and over 11,000 words.When the Donster morphs into Tradzilla, he "conveniently" won't have the time to minister to the shrinking swampland culties. He'll be jetting first-class all over the U.S. and Europe, living large while herding members into his new "order." As an excuse for putting on his travelin' shoes, he'll claim recruits won't necessarily come running just because he sets up a new organization. He'll have to reach out to them. (That's true enough: Most trad "priests" love being independent, with no one to answer to.)
MR. WORLDWIDE will then announce he has to wine-and-dine prospective members, hand out lots of swag, give conferences, establish a headquarters with a staff, and most importantly round up new benefactors. All of which would interfere with his current rôle as the Grand High Panjandrum of the fetid swampland cult along with its amateur "clerical" trade school. With the Kid newly kitted out in Gammarelli pontificals, Big Don can plausibly say he'll be leaving the cult in good hands. And definitely he'll have to hit the road, chiefly to corral new donors. The Big 3 cult families assuredly won't fund this crazy, money-pit of a scheme. The Donster's got to look elsewhere.
So you better hold on to your assets, Our Lady of the Sun: We bet you're first on the list!So there you have it: the founding of the new group furnishes Don with a timely excuse to bow gracefully out of Brooksville after the Clone gets what's due to him. All along Big Don has understood that when that happens, he's toast. With their very own "bishop" — one of them, not a nasally shouting, hellfire-and-brimstone Flushing rat outsider — the élite families in the swamp can unblock their social media accounts and enjoy the good life in public, free at last of the nasty consequences attendant to Discipline Donnie's unsavory (and costly) union with "One-Hand" Dan and Erroneous Antonius. Don't forget: the Big 3 have enough offspring of their own to supply "priests," "nuns," "parishioners," and spankable crumb-crushers for many generations to come. With Big Don on the road, they can go back to flaunting online their privileged lives of scuba diving, swimming, and cycling.
Admittedly, at the moment, all this is pure speculation. But it's not unwarranted by the circumstances and the evidence. Wee Dannie, with the assistance of Cheeseball Checkie, gutted Tradistan by refusing to right the wrongs at $GG "School." By removing instead staff who protested the ill treatment of children, the duo set in motion events that brought the U.S. sede cults to the ruin they face today. Naked self-preservation requires a new business model, but this time it's one of contraction and disengagement.
Wee Dan and Phony Tony are already out of the picture, so there's nothing to write on that score. They'll play no part in Tradistan 2.0. All that remains for them is to find a pricey retirement bungalow and disappear. Big Don will soon be off on his fool's errand to organize trad "clergy," an effort doomed to disaster in the same way Dannie's "little Salesian Society" failed to launch.
Nobody's going to take orders from Tradzilla except twitching pesthouse completers along with the lard bucket "Independent-Study" Uneven Steven. (But $GG itself won't last too much longer under "One Hand's" successor, even if Li'l Daniel turns that tub-o'-guts into a "bishop" to spite the Kid and his pa.) In the end, the Donster will alienate anyone new who does sign on. Discipline Donnie's whole enterprise will be an expensive sham aimed at making him seem useful while easing him out of the cult compound. When the money dries up, he'll declare victory and close down the operation as he fades into a bitter retirement. Alone, he'll be left to contemplate the wrenching truth that his career peaked at the 2009 $GG School Scandal, which then felled him along with Wee Dan.
Meanwhile, the Brooksville Big 3 will turn safely in upon themselves, attending to the core families that compose the cult while keeping the outside world at bay. At that point, no longer will grasping "bishops" prowl Traddielandia in search of fresh donors to feed on. Independent, small Mass centers will be the rule, as "clergy" try to keep their flocks from the folds of the FSSP and SSPX by denying any association with the dying "bishop-led" cults. Only the CMRI didn't get the memo, as evidenced when they recently called Erroneous Antonius "one of the foremost traditional theologians and apologists of our times." (LOL) Those perennial losers joined themselves at the hip to the SW Ohio-Swampland cult cabal at the very hour of its disintegration. No one said they were smart. Timing, they say, is everything.
Oh, well, out with the old, in with the new. We can't wait.