GETTING READY FOR HIS CLOSEUP

It takes time to ruin a world, but time is all it takes. Fontenelle

Maybe it's the approaching year's end, we're not sure, yet PL's still on a predicting jag. Over the past weeks, we've foretold the oncoming ruination of the TradWorld order and its replacement by a different class of "bishops" who value freedom of conscience and aren't in it for the money.

Our earlier forecasts were big-picture visions, so today we'll shorten the range of our hypothesizing to focus on the event that will mark the end of Tradistan and signal the beginning of a new age for American trads: the 2018 "consecration" of the Boy-"Bishop"-Elect.

Don't take our word for the significance of this milestone: Look at what "One-Hand Dan" wrote in last week's "Corner":

Fr. Cekada had a good week at the Seminary. He was MC at my consecration, and has copious notes and diagrams to help the seminarians organize Fr. Selway’s.   

If we're to believe what Dan's note implies, the whole of the Swampland must be involved in making that "pontifical" pageant the biggest, grandest, most over-the-top extravaganza rheumy-eyed cult zombies have ever stared at. Even Dannie and the Cheeseball seem to be trying to insert themselves into the narrative (where they're probably unwelcome — in all likelihood, Junior doesn't want the Wee One's blessing and may look with horror on any suggestion that it's been given).

The Gruesome Twosome is well aware that the Kid was the one in charge of the Donster's "consecration," so he already has Checkie's script and storyboard. In addition, Junior's got a video recording of Big Don's 2002 shindig for visual reference.

Obviously, then, Checkie's as useless as a grave robber in a crematorium.  (Maybe further attempts to meddle won't be tolerated: the swampies are nursing loads of bitter memories about the pesthouse construction.)  Nevertheless, it's a token of the great significance of the upcoming sideshow that in order to get ready for Junior's episcopal début they're wasting precious hours that ought to be devoted to sacred learning and study.  That fact alone inspires the Readers to guess!

Indulge us, therefore, as we engage in a little preliminary speculation.

As we've said, it will be a day like no other in customarily mirthless Tradistan. The Kid may not be a theological or intellectual powerhouse, but that's of no consequence. What's important is that the event be the most spectacular cult production ever mounted. We think it may be live streamed so Sedelandia U.S.A. can participate in what's hoped to be The Greatest Show on Earth (by cultie standards).  And if it's not streamed, then it will surely play on YouTube, with an overpriced DVD made available for purchase.

Media exposure means high production values, Trad Nation's version of a DeMille project: authentic costuming from a Roman clerical tailor (we'd guess Ditta Annibale Gammarelli), expensive pontifical props, state-of-the-art video software, a mega-budget, and "a cast of thousands." (Well, maybe not "thousands," but at least dozens.)  The star will naturally be Junior, who's been preparing for this rôle all his life; Big Don as Consecrating "Bishop" will be the only supporting actor. The bit players on the call sheet, however, are just as interesting and warrant some tentative guesses.

Who will be the MCs? How 'bout Scutty and Squirmin' Herman? Which completer will act as the Assistant Priest? Dare they risk the Skipper? Who'll appear as the Secretary to the Elect? Our money's on My-Way Carlito, but might there be a mercy invitation to Lurch? Which sycophant will be introduced as the Deacon? Could it be the Toady, or maybe Wannabe? And what about the Subdeacon? Perhaps the Gallic Melancholic, don't ya think? And most pressingly, which prelatasters will have cameos as Assistant "Bishops"? 

Certainly we can count on the Jellyfish as one of the co-consecrators, can't we? For the other, could "One Hand" conceal his umbrage and accept the part —  if he's invited, that is. There's a lot of Swampland anger about all the trouble the 2009 $GG $chool $candal has caused, and there's always the fatal specter of the one-handed 1976 Écône "ordination": Why darken the Clone's glory day when a more probably valid and well-educated European "bishop" can be flown over? Li'l Dan would buy his own ticket, but who needs all the baggage that comes with his diminutive presence?*

Almost as important as the sanctuary players will be the "clerical" audience. Any sede brownnoser who gets invited had better show up. The Swampland cult masters will want their venue to look like a rookery as a sign of universal sede approbation of the new Boy Bishop. There may even be an attempt to mend a fences just so they can brag about the army of "clergy" marshaled for the fête. Inasmuch as there'll be lots of free grub and bubbly — and the fact that this'll be a farewell feed —we expect a record turnout.

No doubt about it: All eyes, minds, and pocketbooks are directed to next year's "enthronement."  PL will be overjoyed when the day arrives because it represents the twilight of the SW Ohio-B'ville cult as an influence on U.S. traditional Catholicism. The new Boy "Bishop" will edge out "The Lowly Worm" to withdraw his small, self-sustaining cult inward and out of the limelight. Without Big Don's painstakingly crafted image to hold Tradistan together, Dannie's ruined enterprise will follow suit.

At this great retrenchment, Trad Nation will be safe for the practice of the traditional Catholic faith. All that's left for the Readers is to confirm the identity of the co-consecrators. It'll help us figure out whether the 2018 "consecration" may try to resolve the abiding problem of American TradWorld and, if it does, whether there's a danger that some day the cult may bounce back. We'll discuss our theory on December 23.

*We're wagering Geert Jan Stuyver will be the other co-consecrator. According to the Religion Wiki, the Kid materially participated in Stuyver's January 16, 2002, "consecration." In our next post, you'll see more substantive reasons to support our strong belief he'll be an Assistant "Bishop," provided the Kid's handlers want to make his orders bulletproof.