HAGGLING IN THE SWAMPLAND SOUK

But in the way of a bargain, mark ye me, I'll cavil on the ninth part of a hair. Shakespeare

While scrounging for hints about the identity of the cast members of the February 22 Big Show starring the Boy-"Bishop"-Elect, we came across the following entry at January 21 in the Swampland's monthly schedule:

	Bishop’s Missa Cantata	10:30 A.M.	C Bishop Dolan C1 C de la Chanonie C2 Rev. Mr. Dutertre

Apart from yet another celebration of the notorious Vatican II-innovation of "pontifical sung Mass" within the bowels of the Mother Cult-Center of the "Roman Catholic Institute" — the "general liturgical principle" of which is "to preserve the traditional Roman liturgy" (see PL's exposé of cult hypocrisy here) — what most occupied the Readers' attention was figuring out a motive for Wee Dan's presence in B'ville almost a month to the day before the gala harlequinade.

As you might imagine, a smörgåsbord of tantalizing theories appeared before our hungry minds. We couldn't decide what to choose until we saw this item in the January 7 "Corner":

On Thursday the McFathers joined me in schedule planning through Easter….This season we had to schedule around the Retreat, and the Consecration in Florida, as well as Holy Week.

Ah, that's right! For quite a few years, Travelin'-Man Dan's been jetting to the subtropical slough around the latter part of January for an annual "seminary" (LOL) retreat. Thus, his attendance at this year's roundup in a warmer climate during the dead of Ohio winter was pretty much predictable.

But is that the only reason he'll be heading off to the bog?

Could Dannie possibly be lobbying for a major rôle at Junior's "consecration"?

Lately he's been making a rather noisy effort to signal "approval" of the illicit conferral of "episcopal orders" on the Clone (a favor he definitely didn't extend to the Donster or the Long-Island Jellyfish).  Without reading too much into it, PL guesses the Wee One might've assessed the disastrous fiscal consequences should Gertie stalwarts infer his absence from the quagmire's sanctuary means he's no longer a player in Sedelandia. (In personality cults, as in football, paying fans demand winners.)

By all means, if we were pressured to bet, we'd have to wager Dannie wasn't consulted at all about the decision to "consecrate" the Kid.  Quite honestly, there may have been no deliberations with any sede kingpins whatsoever, once the élite heard the Donster "had two very blocked arteries, including a 98% blockage in the main artery coming from the heart....[and] was days or weeks from a massive and fatal heart attack." More than likely, an abrupt directive from on high thundered down to settle the matter. In any event, it was Junior's time.


Nevertheless, exposure as completely out of the loop would weaken Dannie on the home front. At an alarming rate, he's losing culties to attrition, alienation, and the Angel of Death. The smart move is to accept something you can't change and, as long as you're nimble, give the (false) impression you somehow remain influential. (He's made similar gambits in the past: Does anyone recall Giardina's and Dávila's "Big Days"?)

After the Donster's "elevation to the episcopacy," some mean-spirited talebearer may have passed along to "One Hand" the cruelly cutting and dismissive observation, "Poor Daniel! He won't have anything to do now."  Ouch! As that snide observation inches toward fulfillment in 2018, His Marginality can't afford to be locked out of future "ordinations," lest the disillusioned Gerties write him off.  (For the record, allow us to register our opinion that after the Kid is firmly large and in charge in the morass, we don't see much hope for His Superfluity's exercising any longer his dubious "orders" on pesthouse completers: every candidate up for the "diaconate" or "priesthood" will want as his ordaining "bishop" the youthful, well-heeled, and more-likely-than-not valid prelataster.)

We must, then, ask ourselves, For what part in the extravaganza might Dannie be auditioning?  The rôle of sole co-consecrator, we still maintain, has to be out of the question. According to our pragmatic way of thinking, the élite cannot be so careless as to allow the specter of doubtful orders to return to torment the Kid throughout the arc of his "prelatical" career, like some theological Banquo's ghost.* In addition, those in real control must to this day resent all the scrutiny Dannie's self-inflicted  2009 $GG School Scandal has visited upon B'ville.

It could be, then, that Footloose Dan may be journeying south, undercover as a retreat master, to negotiate a spot on the co-consecrator tag team, offering to partner with Stuyver or more probably with the Jellyfish. Either one of those two guys would assure validity, so why not let Dannie come on stage?. That option, however, may be off the table if there's an objection to publicly associating with "One Hand" — Stuyver's boss, Francesco "The Don" Ricossa, might frown upon it.

If, therefore, tag-teaming is impossible, he could try to cut a deal to allow him to continue to "ordain" in exchange for a promise to visit his dying "apostolate" in sunny Mexico throughout the week of the "consecration." Having Li'l Daniel out of the country would prove the surest way to keep the Wee One from photo-bombing the event.

In exchange for his absence, the élite might toss him a bone and allow him to "ordain" inferior Gertie spawn, knowing, as the élite do, that the odds of a Gertie-child's making it through the low-expectations "seminary" are almost zero. That way, Dannie could keep his rabble in the dark, and the élite wouldn't have to worry about Photoshopping "One Hand's" mug out of the Big Day's pix.

If we're on the right track, there'll be a whirl of camel-swapping taking place. As of now, we cannot say which side will drive the harder bargain. The stakes are high: Dannie's image at crumbling $GG vs. the Kid's future peace of mind. All we can do at this point is wait and hope the Donster keeps his promise to tell us more in this month's pesthouse newsletter.

Don't touch that dial!

*But as we vowed on Dec. 28, 3:51 PM, IF "One-Hand Dan" is the SOLE co-consecrator on Feb. 22, then we'll admit we overestimated the puppet masters' prudence and underestimated their appetite for cult-annihilating risk.