DISPATCHES FROM THE PROPOSAL PATROL

By evil report and good report. 2 Corinthians

It looks as if the rector's been out recruiting more vermin for the pesthouse: it's now the middle of July, and there's no sign of this month's newsletter and the long-promised proposal to capture $30K a year now that the donations have dried up. The hard work of trapping new seminarians as well as rounding up the returning critters must be distracting him from his most important panhandling enterprise to date. No doubt, it's hard work trying to keep them all from scurrying away with the looming threat of pinched resources. If things get too bad, there might be talk of tuition hikes, and then we'll see the proverbial exodus from the sinking ship.

Our alert band of vacationers reports seeing bulletin notices urging--rather unenthusiastically we might add--support of "our" seminary. The normal surrender of the periodic second collection seems to be still active, but at one of the cult sites, a local was overheard boasting she didn't contribute a thing because it would be wasted in Florida. (When she noticed the attentive strangers behind her -- our eyes and ears this summer in Cultilandia -- her ears reddened, and she nervously turned away; after Mass, the visibly terrified woman rushed off with her head held low and her arms plastered stiff against her sides.)

The curious thing, our watchful travelers report, is the mixture of supine fear and bold-as-brass contempt the laity feel for their clerical chain-gang bosses. Whereas in summers past, visitors were welcomed with a smile or a nod, in this season of the cultmasters' discontent, strangers' faces were searched for a sign of opposition to "One-Hand" and the rector. (Do they read Pistrina?) Yet, when the people felt themselves unobserved or at least safe from their minder's penetrating and twitching stares, they were shockingly frank in expressing their displeasure at the men who jealously control their spiritual lives.

On two occasions, our trekkers into the dark heart of Traddieland spoke frankly with some well-heeled couples, who had the independent air (as well as good teeth and posture) that professional social status and good genes give. These folks had no doubts about the cult leaders' motives and admitted they had long go determined to keep their acquisitive clerics poor. But for them, convenience outweighed principle. Furthermore, they knew their awkward, dull-eyed, beaver-toothed priest was ill prepared. Then, in a move that surprised our reporters, they wished everybody in the opposition movement the best of luck! How refreshingly different from the snarls and high-pitched yelps of the usual mouth-breathers who loiter around the cult's satellites.

September is around the corner. If we hear nothing this month, surely the rector will have to unveil his proposal in August or run the risk of financial disaster. We're certain the three new French attendees will not take kindly to any Spartan arrangements. Hasten the moment of reckoning and

KEEP YOUR WALLET SHUT!