Editor's Note: Our open letter continues with the last part of "Discipline Donnie's" big exam. Next week we'll post his answers. We're sure he'll reply to set the record straight once and for all.
Those essay questions were toughies, weren't they, Don? Take a breath and get ready for the third and final section of your exam. Only five items to go, Big Boy. You can do it!
C. Multiple Choice. In each numbered prompt below, you will find a statement based on reports we received about your "school," after which there follows a series of four choices, identified A, B, C, and D. Select the response that best represents your views. If none matches your opinion, you may write your response in item E.
1. One report alleges that a boy afflicted with ADD and on prescription medication for the disorder was made to stand in the hallway in his boxers after he was unable to change his clothes within the allotted three (3) minutes after recess.
A. This incident never occurred. No one at the "school" has any problems. This is an earthly paradise where no one cheats, and amity abides. In fact, the students and graduates don't even get traffic tickets.
B. ADD is not a genuine malady, and only lazy, selfish slackers and their sob-sister mothers make the claim.
C. Everybody is treated equally in the cult "school"; accordingly, this child was required to get with the program regardless of any impairment or else endure the consequences. The child broke a reasonable rule and hence brought down condign humiliating punishment upon his own head.
D. If he had been wearing briefs, he would have been removed from the hall and expelled for indecency. In addition, he would have been exorcized for good measure. The devil's everywhere down here in the fetid swampland.
2.It has been calculated that the cult "school" has experienced more than a 60% turnover rate, with more than 10 families leaving to date.
A. The enrollment has stayed the same and is, in fact, growing at so swift a pace owing to the skyrocketing birth rate that the cult will soon have to demand funds for a larger facility with a more luxuriously appointed teachers' lounge.
B. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
C. A 60% or higher turnover rate is common in high-quality schools.
D. It could be a 100% rate, and the people will still keep paying, so what's the big deal?
3. Report after report says that the rules have become stricter and more insane over the years.
A. The rules have always been the same, with no increase in severity or scope. The mothers have simply become too permissive, while the fathers need to get their womenfolk in line. Hell beckons to moms and their snot-nosed kids who disobey me and mine.
B. The rules had to be strengthened because the students' behavior and morals had deteriorated to an alarming degree as a result of lax parenting, particularly on the part of the mothers. That's one reason there were no roses or words of recognition for these Jezabels on Mother's Day.
C. The "clergy" and "religious" are so unhappy with their empty lives in the cult that they are obliged to take out their anger and frustration on innocent children. As they discern the disconnect between authentic Catholic practice and the cult's impious absurdities, "clergy" and "religious" must have an appropriate outlet to channel their confused rage.
D. The more unreasonable rules there are in a school and the more draconian the punishments, the easier it is to control and manipulate both children and parents, since the ideal of a Catholic education is to instill groveling fear and inculcate blind obedience.
4. One common theme gleaned from reports and social media is that many graduates of the "school" lead double lives of hearty-partying, skimpy clothing, rock music, and keeping company with friends who don't belong to the cult, which prohibits associating with non-cult members (unless the people belong to one of the élite families, in which case they're free to associate with anyone they please).
A. All graduates of the "school" adhere to the same strict code of comportment they cheerfully followed when they were under cult supervision. They are models of modest, sober Catholic adulthood, whom everyone should emulate.
B. Whom are you going to believe: your own lying eyes when you examine the graduates' social media pages or the thundering cult "clergy"? And even if your lying eyes do spy boozy shots and snaps of chicks in revealing short-shorts, that just means the devil hacked the account of some paragons of Tradistani virtue.
C. If the graduates come from the Big 3 families, then there's nothing wrong with partying "like it's 1999," jammin' to a hip deejay, rocking revealing fashions, and hanging out with non-traddie friends. "Some animals are more equal than others" down here on the swampland cult farm.
D. The graduates' behavior is demonstrable proof that the crazy "school" rules are held in contempt by the younger generation, which knows the cult is not the Catholic Church and laughs up their sleeveless blouses at the whacky cult "clergy" who come up with nutty, intrusive rules in the first place.
5. According to first-hand reports, many years ago, a goofy sede "priest," who was a frequent visitor to an Ur-cult-center, had a nasty habit of entering classrooms unannounced to conduct what he smirkingly called "quality control." The chagrined teachers deeply resented the time-wasting disruptions occasioned by this moron's unwelcome, untimely appearances. They, therefore, sought and won approval to deny him entry. During one examination session, a classroom door was locked. When the good-for-nothing misfit came knocking, he was refused admittance. Our sources claim that the despicable weasel then went crying to you, and you, in turn, read the riot act to the supervisor who supported the decision to keep this idiot from annoying teachers and learners.
A. This incident never occurred, and those who reported it are dastardly liars who will burn in hell for eternity, boiling in their own excrement. If they are still connected to my cult, they are going to regret their lie, I kid you not.
B. Nothing of any educational value takes place in a cult "school" anywhere, so a loafing fellow cult "clergyman" should be able to kill some time by interrupting a "class" that didn't have anything better to do anyway.
C. A disciplined focus on teaching and learning is a perverse notion of the godless public schools and has no place in a cult "school," which exists for the financial enrichment of the "clergy" as well as an emotional safety valve for their burning resentments.
D. Women don't have the right to keep malformed cult "clergy" from interrupting their carefully planned lessons; additionally, students have no right to resent the disruption. A visit from bum "clergy" should always be welcome, notwithstanding any negative impact on the classroom environment or the visitor's obnoxiousness.
With utmost contempt and ill wishes,