"Discipline Donnie" failed to return his test.
Who'd've thunk it?
And we waited all week!
Nonetheless, the Readers aim to be fair. So in lieu of his test answers, we'll post some rules said to be from the swampland "school," glossed with an in-your-face commentary purportedly from the Grand High Panjandrum himself. Credit for making these excerpts available online goes to blogger Tom Droleskey,* who posted the (apparently transcribed) rules way back in 2008, the year before Dannie's $GG School Scandal wrecked Sedelandia (http://www.
A thousand thanks to a well-read correspondent who sent us the selections and the link.
PERSONAL EDITORIAL ASIDE: We old timers are inconsolable over this sede Solon's banning the golden "oldies" (see Rule no. 2 below under 1.5.3). The Readers wistfully recall the priests' and the nuns' ensuring the sanctioned abdominal distances between us and our demure partners with their lacquered bouffant hairdos, as we slow-danced to the Platters' timeless "The Great Pretender" at the Cherry Blossom Ball. (It's a crying shame the ban extends to a pop hit that even über-priggish Pat Boone covered: That splendid ballad could be every sede kingpin's theme song.)
Furthermore, if "[i]dle time spent on the Internet is the devil's workshop," then someone better have a serious one-on-one with Tony Baloney as well as with the rector's tweeting wing man, Scut the Prefect — and also with that cinephile, 'Net-surfin', CD-burnin', bone-idle, chicken-hearted episcopus vagans we mentioned.
Sooooooo, while those "clerical" miscreants visit the woodshed to make reparation for their violations of the Tradistani moral code, let's let The Man talk:
Explanation of the rule. [italics ours] Television is not intrinsically evil. But since 95% of television programming is morally objectionable, and corrosive of Catholic Faith and morals, it is necessary that families detach themselves from this programming. Since it is nearly impossible to sift the good material from the bad, it becomes necessary to avoid it altogether. It must be banned from the home. The rule does not mean that one can never look at television, but it is saying that it must be out of the home, in order to preserve the children, especially, from its corrosive influence. The rule envisions broadcast TV, i.e., normal programming which comes over the air waves, and cable TV, what you buy from a cable company. It does not ban the watching of clean videotapes. Nor does it ban the recording of decent broadcast and cable television shows, which could be watched later if the indecent commercials could be removed.
Explanation of the rule. This means that all forms of rock music are banned, not merely the "hard" or "acid" variety, but also what is known as "soft rock" or "light rock" or "oldies." In short, it includes anything which has the unmistakable rock rhythm, and which any average person would call rock music. The ban does not include forms of popular music which are not rock, e.g., folk music, Celtic music, even Broadway shows, provided that they are clean.
Explanation of the rule. While there is some legitimate Country Western music which, if not very polished, is at least clean and culturally acceptable, most modern Country Western music is a serious occasion of sin to the listener, since it very explicitly speaks about sexual escapades. This, of course, is banned. The term "similar types" refers to groups who sing folk music apparently, but whose title is so dirty that you would not listen to them even if they were singing Gregorian Chant.
Explanation of the rule. Video games are not evil in themselves, obviously, and good ones can even be a good source of [re]creation. However, there are many which are bad for one reason or another, either owing to impurity, or occult overtones, or morbidly violent themes, or because they use rock music. Furthermore, the children must not become addicted even to the good ones, and hence there is the rule about moderation.
Explanation of the rule. The Internet is, clearly, not intrinsically good or bad, but becomes good or bad according to what is brought up on it. Since positively the most dreadful pictures can be easily accessed, as well as the most hellish websites and chat rooms, it is necessary that students access the internet for only serious reasons. This rule also holds for e-mail exchanges. Idle time spent on the Internet is the devil's workshop, and in most cases the student can access whatever information he needs in a relatively short amount of time.
Explanation of the rule. Years ago, before Vatican II, Catholic students were never permitted to play sports with public schools. Rather there were the Catholic leagues, like CYO, etc. The reason is that interaction with public school students was considered a danger to faith and morals. If that was true in the 1950's, how much more is it true today? Since we cannot organize our own Catholic leagues, our young people will simply have to forego the possibility of playing sports in that environment. The words "anything of a similar nature" refer to any environment or circumstance in which students, without sufficient reason, are exposed to danger in faith or morals. The school reserves the right to make a determination of these cases.
Explanation of the rule. This rule specifically excludes skating rinks and sports arenas where rock music is being played. The rule says, "is being played," since it may be possible to get the establishment to turn it off. It is true that it [is] nearly impossible to avoid rock music, since it is heard in rest rooms, restaurants, dentists' offices, etc., but in these cases there is a proportionate reason
s, that is, a necessity of being there. But there is no necessity to be in a skating rink or sports arena.
Explanation of the rule. Owing to the indecent posters and frequent, dirty previews, a student does not have a proportionate reason to enter a theater. A movie in itself is a very low form of recreation and does not qualify as a sufficient reason to expose oneself to such indecency. A proportionate reason would exist, for example, in the case of entering a supermarket which posted dirty magazines. You have a proportionate reason to be at the supermarket owing to the necessity of buying food. But such a necessity does not exist in going to a theater.
** Stylometry argues for "Discipline Donnie's" authorship: the turgid prose ("The Internet is, clearly, not intrinsically good or bad, but becomes good or bad according to what is brought up on it."); the lumbering, spastic syntax hobbled by sophomoric hypotheticals ("The term "similar types" refers to groups who sing folk music apparently, but whose title is so dirty that you would not listen to them even if they were singing Gregorian Chant"); and moral-theology buzz words ("proportionate reason") willfully employed to terminate all thought. Yep. If we had to bet, we'd say with confidence this is authentic Donspeak.
*** From the "Bishop's (?) Corner" of May 8, 2016:
"Our excellent secretary was away in April, and I thus had to write my report of our Spring School Program before the fact [Ed. !!! "report... before the fact"??? How, then, did he know the Forlorn Finn liked 'em all?Clairvoyance?] . How much we enjoyed it! “Cart-loads of charm,” Fr. Cekada denominated our well named Spring Fling. The innocence and enthusiasm of our young choir, little peeping voices like [= "like those of"?, Ed.] fledgling birds from the nest, found an excellent expression in the wholesome entertaining music of yesterday; classic Shirley Temple films. Fr. Cekada’s favorite was “Animal Crackers,” as they are his favorite. I liked the “At the Codfish Ball,” myself. Fr. Lehtoranta loved every single one. [Ed. What did he enjoy? Every single one of the animal crackers? Or "all the fishes still alive" dancing away in "Neptune's Hall"? We need an after-the-fact report from Wee Dan to clear up this mystery.]"Pistrina wonders how coy Shirley, the dimpled delight of the Depression, might have remonstrated with Tony Baloney, Dirtbag Dan, and the (incredibly still-employed!) "principal" after hearing all the cruel details of the horrific 2009 $GG School Scandal. Perhaps Curly Top might have reprised the protest she made in Wee WIllie Winkie to the Pathan rebel chieftain Khoda Khan surrounded by his guffawing, beard-stroking entourage: "I hate you! I hate you! I think you're all very, very mean!"