Saturday, November 19, 2016


Till the walls shall crumble in ruin,/And moulder in dust away. Longfellow

Last week, in his squalid "Corner," Dirtbag Dan let slip his deepest fears when he reported on this year's All Saints' Day Kiddie Kostoom Kringe-a-thon:
I always fear anymore that the children’s participation in this day is dying out, for once we had great numbers. But the count of the children is just right each year for their little presentations before I go off for the 11:30, and the party begins. I do feel bad for the children who miss out, because they are missing out.
Wee Dan is right to be worried.

If you didn't painstakingly deconstruct his message, you might've concluded His Uneasiness was anxiously fretting over a demographic trend common to many Tradistani cult chapels. The once victimized kids have grown up and moved away in bitter resentment, leaving mostly aging empty nesters behind to fund a clerical over-the-top lifestyle. Only a handful of lupine families whelping "young'uns" remains willing to sacrifice just enough crumb-crushers to make the cult center seem a child-friendly place.

That, however, would be a superficial,  fundamentally wrong explanation for the dwindling numbers of youthful participants. "One Hand's" cri de cœur in actuality is a therapeutic tool deployed to (temporarily) banish negative thoughts of SGG's imminent collapse. It's kind of like the "rubber band technique" psychologists teach their desperate clients to drive away incapacitating anxiety.
But the intervention is clearly not working, as evidenced by Distressed Dan's howling, circular idiocy, "I do feel bad for the children who miss out, because they are missing out [??]."

It's no secret there are loads of Gertie rug-rats whose parents don't want them to participate. Ma, Pa and the tykes may assist at Sunday Mass, but they scurry out like Raid®-sprayed cockroaches as soon as the big show's over. No sane parents, even backward ones, want their precious bairns involved in cultie-forming group exercises.

The painful memories of the SGG School Scandal (click here), which erupted in full force around this time seven years ago, are still achingly fresh. All that delirious, syrupy twaddle parents hear from the pulpit about the dear, sweet, little ones cannot erase the lingering mental images of innocence betrayed. Although, for some mysterious reason, these mothers and fathers won't kick SGG pseudo-clergy to the curb in return for undoubtedly valid sacraments at one of the area's many competing traditional chapels, at least they're making sure their offspring keep away from the crud balls who authored the 2009 calamity.

Pretending that everything is all right won't slow SGG's headlong rush to closure. As thick headed as he is, we'd say His Regretfulness is tortured by the unmistakable signs of ineluctable doom for his failed enterprise. A dearth of solutions compounds his fears. For example, he still doesn't dare get rid of "The Principal," who commands an outsized share of the cult's declining collections and remains the source of so much continuing discontent among Gertie stalwarts. Likewise, His Weariness cannot retire to the sunny, chic Southwest, for he hasn't a successor capable of sustaining the contributions he must have to live in leisured luxury. And he cannot rustle new sheep to replace the ones breaking out of the fold: there's too much out there about him now — and much more to come.

Th already-high psychic pressure will increase by many atmospheres when Tradzilla exits the Swampland family cult compound to rattle the beggar's cup for his promised new venture. Dannie will then be barred from access to needed but scarce financial resources as the Donster aggressively fundraises among the same tapped-out marks who feed the SW Ohio cult. Moreover, Big Don's noisy recruitment activities will further lower Li'l Daniel in the esteem of die-hard Gertie misfits. Without question, the vacuum created by Dannie's dramatic loss of standing will embolden many to attach themselves to another, less embattled cult kingpin.


Don't you agree it's poetic justice that kids are at the root of the weepy Wee One's current terrors?

In late 2009, he refused to remove the cause of children's misery, opting instead to purge SGG "School" of the few caring adults who were their champions. Now the children's diminishing presence at cult events torments him with foreboding. How fitting it is that the very young can serve as the harbinger of long-overdue justice. At last, their hour of retribution has struck.

Unable to see hanging before his eyes the rotten fruits of his 2009 inaction, "One Hand" will continue his therapeutic wishful thinking as the children and paying adults grow fewer. The delusion won't keep the howling, clawing wolf from the cult's shabby door. Dannie'll try to project confidence, with no relief forthcoming. There's no recovery for what ails him.

The truth is: the number of kiddies is "just right each year" simply because Dannie has lowered his expectations so as to avoid confronting SGG's certain demise. Never to be counted again are the "great numbers" of the past. Those glory days of limitless greenbacks ended seven years ago this month. Never to be duped again are Catholics who love their young.



  1. Just one question for those in the know: any updates about The Kid (Selway Jr.)?

    1. They moved him to the seminary and replaced him at the School. I don't believe his replacement lives at the school. Instead he commutes from the seminary, which is what junior should have been doing all along. I don't think the scandal of his living quarters played out well; Yet, I do believe this is to prepare him for becoming a bishop soon. No official word just yet, but everyone knows what is going on here. He's actually less social than Sanborn, if you can imagine that.

      If you look on the schedule, he still does his monthly trip to Arizona. So, he must be still in charge of the convent.

    2. Anonymous November 20, 2016 at 2:27 AM - I don't think the scandal of his living quarters played out well

      What was the scandal with Selway’s living quarters?

    3. Hi, Anon @2:27AM - given that The Kid is (as you say) "less social than Sanborn" - wouldn't it be better for him to be a hermit rather than anything else?

      It sure would suit a temperament such as his. But then again, he would be a one-of-a-kind hermit: a modern, moneyed hermit who probably needed a butler to attend to his needs and comforts.

    4. I would say The kid knows how to socialize with the right people, the ones who give the right amount of money. He doesn't belong in the priesthood because of what another poster said about Joey expressing doubts to Fr.Collins on his intentions not being a priest. Just like half the kids at that place, it seems like the vocation is one given to them by the adults in charge, without truly having one.

      To my knowledge, it is the Argententian, Desposito, who wanted to be in a monastery because of his antisocial habits. When he went, he thought the monks were too liberal and came back to swampland.

      As far as any scandals, I have only read about how things look, not a true scandal. It "looked" bad that he stayed at a room next to the convent and had a close relationship with a nun, especially when he could have stayed at the seminary and driven to the school for mass. Nothing was ever confirmed or denied. It probably didn't need to be. It was most likely in appearance only.

    5. For the past few days, we've been contacting others outside the Swampland to find out what they might know about the date of the Kid's elevation to the episcopacy. No one has yet seen any invitations. Some speculate it will now take place after the holidays. Everything seems to be on hold until Sinburn announces his new organization.

  2. Has anyone ever seen a Pre-Vat II bishop in all his regalia sitting front row center with a group of children at their school party? I never have. It looks so strange. Back in the day bishops had work to do & didn't show off like that.

    1. Yes they posed with children at confirmation & the some first communions before the late 1960's.
      Its the photography and lack of experience.
      A good photographer with experience would've taken better pictures at better angles and lighting.