THE CHILDREN'S HOUR

Till the walls shall crumble in ruin,/And moulder in dust away. Longfellow

Last week, in his squalid "Corner," Dirtbag Dan let slip his deepest fears when he reported on this year's All Saints' Day Kiddie Kostoom Kringe-a-thon:

I always fear anymore that the children’s participation in this day is dying out, for once we had great numbers. But the count of the children is just right each year for their little presentations before I go off for the 11:30, and the party begins. I do feel bad for the children who miss out, because they are missing out.

Wee Dan is right to be worried.

If you didn't painstakingly deconstruct his message, you might've concluded His Uneasiness was anxiously fretting over a demographic trend common to many Tradistani cult chapels. The once victimized kids have grown up and moved away in bitter resentment, leaving mostly aging empty nesters behind to fund a clerical over-the-top lifestyle. Only a handful of lupine families whelping "young'uns" remains willing to sacrifice just enough crumb-crushers to make the cult center seem a child-friendly place.

That, however, would be a superficial,  fundamentally wrong explanation for the dwindling numbers of youthful participants. "One Hand's" cri de cœur in actuality is a therapeutic tool deployed to (temporarily) banish negative thoughts of SGG's imminent collapse. It's kind of like the "rubber band technique" psychologists teach their desperate clients to drive away incapacitating anxiety.
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But the intervention is clearly not working, as evidenced by Distressed Dan's howling, circular idiocy, "I do feel bad for the children who miss out, because they are missing out [??]."

It's no secret there are loads of Gertie rug-rats whose parents don't want them to participate. Ma, Pa and the tykes may assist at Sunday Mass, but they scurry out like Raid®-sprayed cockroaches as soon as the big show's over. No sane parents, even backward ones, want their precious bairns involved in cultie-forming group exercises.

The painful memories of the SGG School Scandal (click here), which erupted in full force around this time seven years ago, are still achingly fresh. All that delirious, syrupy twaddle parents hear from the pulpit about the dear, sweet, little ones cannot erase the lingering mental images of innocence betrayed. Although, for some mysterious reason, these mothers and fathers won't kick SGG pseudo-clergy to the curb in return for undoubtedly valid sacraments at one of the area's many competing traditional chapels, at least they're making sure their offspring keep away from the crud balls who authored the 2009 calamity.

Pretending that everything is all right won't slow SGG's headlong rush to closure. As thick headed as he is, we'd say His Regretfulness is tortured by the unmistakable signs of ineluctable doom for his failed enterprise. A dearth of solutions compounds his fears. For example, he still doesn't dare get rid of "The Principal," who commands an outsized share of the cult's declining collections and remains the source of so much continuing discontent among Gertie stalwarts. Likewise, His Weariness cannot retire to the sunny, chic Southwest, for he hasn't a successor capable of sustaining the contributions he must have to live in leisured luxury. And he cannot rustle new sheep to replace the ones breaking out of the fold: there's too much out there about him now — and much more to come.

Th already-high psychic pressure will increase by many atmospheres when Tradzilla exits the Swampland family cult compound to rattle the beggar's cup for his promised new venture. Dannie will then be barred from access to needed but scarce financial resources as the Donster aggressively fundraises among the same tapped-out marks who feed the SW Ohio cult. Moreover, Big Don's noisy recruitment activities will further lower Li'l Daniel in the esteem of die-hard Gertie misfits. Without question, the vacuum created by Dannie's dramatic loss of standing will embolden many to attach themselves to another, less embattled cult kingpin.

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Don't you agree it's poetic justice that kids are at the root of the weepy Wee One's current terrors?

In late 2009, he refused to remove the cause of children's misery, opting instead to purge SGG "School" of the few caring adults who were their champions. Now the children's diminishing presence at cult events torments him with foreboding. How fitting it is that the very young can serve as the harbinger of long-overdue justice. At last, their hour of retribution has struck.

Unable to see hanging before his eyes the rotten fruits of his 2009 inaction, "One Hand" will continue his therapeutic wishful thinking as the children and paying adults grow fewer. The delusion won't keep the howling, clawing wolf from the cult's shabby door. Dannie'll try to project confidence, with no relief forthcoming. There's no recovery for what ails him.

The truth is: the number of kiddies is "just right each year" simply because Dannie has lowered his expectations so as to avoid confronting SGG's certain demise. Never to be counted again are the "great numbers" of the past. Those glory days of limitless greenbacks ended seven years ago this month. Never to be duped again are Catholics who love their young.

THIS THANKSGIVING, STARVE THE BEAST.