The Readers deserved a good laugh.
Two consecutive posts, one on Tradzilla's oppressive school rules and the other on his imminent mutation into a wrath-mouthed "Superior General," left us traumatized at these mockeries of Roman Catholicism.
That's why it came as a welcome distraction to read on www.$GG.cult that
This summer, we are hosting a young adult get-together. We hope to draw Traditional Catholics from across the country. Visit our event website for more information.Mildly amused, we hastily clicked on the link to "YAG in Cincy - Young Adult Get-Together 2017," where $GG promises — for a $50 registration fee — a "fun-filled weekend" in Cincinnati on June 7-9 "to meet like-minded people and have a great time this summer!" (Never mind that the dates fall before the summer solstice, so it'll actually take place in the spring: calendars have never been Dannie's thing, have they?)✦
As you might guess, PL was more than a little curious about what "One-Hand Dan" and his clown crew considered "fun" and a "great time" for "a Traditional Catholic single aged 18-35," who is "feeling isolated." Such an broad spectrum of ages, we surmised, really posed a challenge for the cult's social committee. At that thought, we suddenly knew we'd get the belly laugh we were looking for.
And Dannie didn't disappoint! No siree Bob, he did not.
Once again, His Nesciency proved he's not only out of it theologically, but he's socially unhip as well. All of us were so ROTFL, we could barely manage between fits of mirthful abandon to type the following:
Although the Gerties are still in the planning stages, according to the "YAG" schedule, one of the Saturday night activities is "possibly a square dance." (Yep, you read it right: "a square dance.") Then on Sunday, following the big show, there's "lunch as a group" at the "Golden Corral" (the "Best Buffet in the USA," no doubt the preferred eatery of the ever-hungry "clergy"). After the feeding, the entire herd is off for ...
Perfect. That's just perfect. Imaginary 1950s Catholicism coupled with an imaginary 1950s weekend of "wholesome" socializing.
Exactly which demographic cohort is $GG's "YAG" targeting here?
● Hillbillies?Well, while it lasted, we had a blast, Daddy-O (as the cool cats used to say way back in the '50s). The Readers hadn't laughed so much since ... since Deacon Dan called Erroneous Antonius a "scholar and theologian." (Now THAT was a big tickle as well as a panic and a half!)
● Urban trailer trash?
● Sufferers from schizotypal personality disorder?
● All of the above?
But after we picked ourselves up off the floor and regained our composure, the mood quickly turned sour again. O.K., yeah, we did forget about Big Don's excesses — for the moment. But then we were immediately beset by grave concerns for anybody backward enough to attend Social-Director Dan's "Young Adult Get-Together."
Chief among our misgivings is the age-range: there are vast social, life-history, physical, and psychological differences among singles "aged 18-35." Demographically speaking, there are five heterogeneous standard-population age-groups within Dannie's ludicrously wide span, viz., 15-19, 20-24, 25-29, 30-34, and 35-39. Each one is distinct with its own needs and wants. Lumping them all together is a mark of party-planning incompetence.
Hobbled by unmanageable diversity, $GG's money-making "meet and greet" is fated to disappoint — or worse. Do adults in their thirties really want to "hang out" with teenagers or twenty-somethings? Would you, dear ol' Trad Dad, want a "single," 35-year-old, lonesome sedemaniac getting together with your teen-aged daughter? Your teen son? Wouldn't you or your wife be doubly worried if you knew that "[p]articipants are expected to procure their own lodgings"?
At least when your kids are home, you can monitor their online chatroom interactions and prevent them from going out for a face-to-face encounter. But who will shield them as they "meet" and "interact" with "far flung, isolated people," each one of whom is as much of a stranger to your child as that cyber creep lurking behind a disarming screen name decorated with a cute emoji? The only difference being, this time that dangerous weirdo stranger could be seated, grinning and fidgeting, right next to your kid.
The very idea of "YAG in Cincy" is enough to make a decent person GAG.
It's not too difficult to see in the Miss Sede Lonelyhearts lost weekend yet another ill-conceived mind-control cum fundraising scheme. Adding to the comedy is the hilarious display of how out-of-touch the SW Ohio cult is with contemporary life, in both its perils and its pastimes. The 1950s of the cult masters' fancy will never return. They can't.
One reason is that Dannie's version never existed, or if it did, it existed only in one low-brow social stratum. The Readers are older than the cult masters, most having been born in the 1940s, so we experienced more of the Fabulous Fifties than they. By the time the cult kingpins attained the age of reason, the era was ending, as the culture started diving headlong into the Swingin' Sixties.
Take it from us: Li'l Daniel's evocation of the 1950s is hardly to be trusted. His "recollections" of the decade probably come from re-runs of Happy Days. Square dancing, bowling, and all-you-can-eat buffets were not our families' or our schoolmates' families' choice of entertainment. In the upper-middle-class neighborhoods in the newly established 'burbs, those déclassé recreations were associated with a certain population segment no upwardly-mobile Catholic youngster wanted to meet or would consider as the gene pool from which to fish for a mate.
As we see it, the cult masters aren't interested in providing "support groups of like-minded people," otherwise they would've dug a little deeper to come up with something more appealing to today's young trad. Verbal nods to youth culture like "hang out" and "check your phone at the door" won't make $GG's Monsters' Ball any cooler — or safer.
No, Dirtbag's "YAG," it appears to us, represents an awkward attempt to corral fresh donors to replace those who've left the cult. It's another "$ocial $unday," but this time the cult masters have designs on the wallets of outsiders who don't know them.
Good traditional Catholics should join with PL in stopping "YAG in Cincy." Supposedly 12 chumps have already registered (7 "guys" and 5 "gals"), so swift action is called for. If anyone at your Mass center is thinking of participating or has already registered, intervene at once, whether through direct counseling or by talking to parents. You'll also want to warn any nubile young thangs that, under the FACTS tab on the "event website," $GG suggests the "YAG" weekend "might be as good a place as any 'to get her.'"
Bear in mind the targeted loners are the most vulnerable type of loser you can find. A well-adjusted young Catholic adult would have dismissed "One-Hand's" cornball invitation without giving it a second thought, particularly after learning "Father McKenna will be overseeing the religious aspects of this year's YAG." So you see, it's up to all of us to make sure Dannie once more throws a party that nobody attends.
It's no laughing matter. Word from the bird.
✦ CORRECTION: "YAG" will take place in JULY, not June as reported. Editor.
* Is it sheer coincidence that the bowling alley is located very, very close to Jungle Jim's upscale gourmet food emporium in Fairfield, Ohio? Are the cult-masters hinting at a side excursion, where participants could show their "gratitude" by pickling up a few thank-you gifts from the well-stocked cheese aisle? While the "clergy" can't tell the difference between Velveeta and Valençay, they'd like to have the participants believe they're true-blue foodies. They're not. They just think food "tastes" better if it's expensive.