AN IMMODERATE PROPOSAL

A nice man is a man of nasty ideas. Swift

Ed. Note: Pistrina publishes 24 hours earlier this week owing to the U.S. Memorial Day holiday.

It was so very nice not to plague us all with the promised proposal to “find a way to make up for the [$30,000] shortfall.” Still, it was naughty to tease us. In fact, so piqued has been our curiosity that we determined to make a wild guess at what the proposal could have been. (Regrettably, there’s no Rumpelstiltskin to spin gold; the only spinning going on was the rector’s lame assessment that “[t]here is no lack of enthusiasm or generosity on the part of our supporters.” Accordingly, we assumed the issue was still germane and hence a worthy exercise for our imagination.)

The Readers (who associate with a better class of folk than the bleary-eyed, open-mouthed, fly-catching SGG cultists) asked a nice certified financial planner (CFP) and a nicer CPA for a “what-if” analysis on how they would raise cash if supplementary funds had dried up. We briefed them how the cult’s chapels broke up as a result of the infamous SGG School scandal and firings. We detailed how, instead of remaining prudently neutral, the foolhardy rector openly supported Tony, “One Hand” Dan, and the school “principal,” the proximate cause of the catastrophe. We showed them the correspondence where several very able laymen gave the rector an embarrassing public spanking and sent him swampward with his tail between his legs; we also shared all the schnorrer’s appeals for parking lots, interior decoration, and costly re-builds. Finally, we explained that “One-Hand” and Tony have complete, unsupervised control over the assets and real property of their cult.

“It’s simple,” declared our advisors without hesitation. “Monetize the principal assets! The economy notwithstanding, the buildings and the land on which they stand have some value. If they’re paid off, then use them as collateral for a loan. If they’re not paid off, refinance to free up some equity. For crying out loud – it’s only 30 grand. That’s only 7-10 G’s per chapel each year. Even slum property can yield that easily.”

“If the people want to continue attending Mass in their area, then they’ll have to pitch in to pay off the debt,” interposed the CPA. “Think of it as a kind of reverse mortgage.”

“Yeah,” added the CFP nicely, “It’s either pay and stay or leave and grieve. It’s really the perfect squeeze. And since this guy’s buddies are in charge of everything without an ounce of oversight, the people will have no other choice. Besides, you said these rubes were really gullible. They probably wouldn’t question anything.”

‘You see,” the accountant nastily analyzed, “if the clients aren’t willing to support the seminary, then, if you want to keep it operating, you’ll have to get their money some other way. Now if you take on additional building debt, you can support the seminary with the loan proceeds. That means you can almost silently compel the people to contribute indirectly by making them pay back the loan on property they’ve already paid for.”

“It’s the only way,” interjected his colleague, clearly impressed with his colleague’s financial nicety. “If you can’t widen the donor pool, then there’s no other option but to deepen it or at least drain it dry. From what you’ve said, there’s nowhere else to raise the cash. The folks have to pay whether they like it or not.”

Not very nice at all, but it does seem to make perfect sense, in a cold, diabolical, nasty way. But undoubtedly, it couldn’t be the proposal. Absolutely, categorically out of the question! No Catholic would even think of such a caper, let alone propose it. For one thing, it would violate every moral precept in the book. Why, not even a Wall-Street banker would dream of it! Besides, the Butler-County cult masters wouldn’t go for the idea, not with vacation around the corner. It’s about time to hit the Santa Fe Trail again, pilgrim.

It’s obvious that the lion’s share of the $30K would have to come from the straitened SW Ohio cult center and its impoverished satellite missions. Furthermore, as everyone knows, the Our Lady of the Sun lay board in Arizona wouldn’t be receptive at all to a nasty back-door raid on its fat holdings. Maybe the rector, completely out of ideas, in the end couldn’t come up with a nice proposal. Maybe he’s going to let everyone

STARVE THE BEAST & CLOSE THE PESTHOUSE.